No Place Feels Like Home
by XXXEdwardAddictXXX
Summary: The Cullens have to run an orphanage. But the orphans are axidentally vampired and they decide to move to Scotland. But disaster follows, and they need help from their new friends the Spooks and the Wizards. NOT FOR SENSITIVE PEOPLE. This story is incredibly sad!
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

One day Carlisle received a letter. It said that his old friend dr Wilbur had died from an overdose and that his son Homer was having a little trouble taking care of all the orphans on his own. So he asked Carlisle if he could come to Alabama when it was time for the Cullens to move again, and help out. Carlisle and Esme had adopted several orphans themselves, and felt sympathetic to the cause.

Unfortunately one of their adopted childre, Jasper didn't quite control his lust for human blood, so he bit a lot of the orphans. This made things very difficult for them, since peolpe in Alabama have prejudices agains vampires and orphans.

So they had to move out of the old orphanage and live on an old farm far from other people, where they grew vegetables and fruit for income.


	2. The Twilight Applecider

The Twilight applecider

It was a quiet evening on the farm in the forest of Forks Washington. The orphans had just finished pick apples, and now they were having supper in the shade of a huge old tree. It looked like a good day, but it wasn't.

Suddenly there was a man in a suit. He looked very seriosu and had a suitecase.

"Oh Shit said Carlisle, " it's the tax expector!"

"Hello I'm the tax man", asked the tax man. "I have come to look at your book keeping."

"Well that'smost appropriate," said Carlisle. "Come around the back where my office is."

"Why are all these orphans so pale?" The tax inspectre said quizzingly. "It is not healthy."

"Oh, but we make sure they wear much sunblock when they are outsiude. I'm a doctor so I know about sunburns," Carlisle exclaimned.

"But they are completely white!" said thet axman. "Normal children are more like piglet pink. I shall be sending healthcare to look independently at the situations."

Then the taxman left the house, and carlisle banged his haed against the wall in very angrily. Now they had tomove again. All the poor orphans would never know a home.

"What is it going on here?" Esme asked making apple pie in the kitchen.

"He knows too much," said Carlisle in reply. "we are having to pack allthe children. Better hurry."

So they went upstairs to the bedrooms and told all the children to start packing. There were many children ion the orphanage. They were Mike, Amanda, Buster, Fuzzy, Mary Agnes, Bethany, Willfred, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Sally Anne and Carlie. And there was also Esme's biolological children Edward, Rosalie and Jasper, who had already been vampires with them. Lately they had found an abandoned girl called Renesmee. She had sat on the front porch one morning, and there had been a letter pinned to her back that explained how her parents didn't want her because they didn't like the name she was born with. Instead they had gotten another baby that they could give all their love and devotion too because her name was Elisabeth.

In the garden Edward's girlfriend Bella was crying her big and beautiful diamond tears because she thought Edward was going to leace her forever and eternity. But he couldn't leave her behind in the rainy forests of forks to go into catatonic depression. And her life would be misery without Edward, because she had to cook and clean for her dad who was useless.

So they jumped aboard their special camouflaged plane and headed for the bonnie shores of Scotland. Their new home was a beautiful old castle that Esme was going to fix up. All the children were going to have their own rooms for the first time in their lives.

It was a glorious morning when they landed. The sun was shining through the fog, and the rainbow trouts and sammons where hopping in the rivers. When they landed they were greeted by a man named Angus McGregor who was a sheepfarmer. He was playing a bagpipe and wore a plaid skirt and hat.

"Welcome to bonnie Loch Ness" exclaimed Angus. "It will be so great to have new neighbours again, who can appreciate such a fine old castle and the splendid nature of ye Highlands!"

So then Edward took Bella's hand and they walked along the edge of the prehistoric lake.

"Bella, my beautiful Bella!" said Edward. "Now that we are in the ancient land of our ancestors, I want you to be my lovely wife.

"Oh Edward, Edward!" Bella cried and threw herself around his neck in happiness. "Of course I want to be your beautiful wife! You always make me so happy!"

So then everybody was happy.

But suddenly there was the sound of an awful explosition and a lot of funny colored smoke. A top secret car came driving up to the castle. Adam Carter and Lucas from the Spooks came out of it.

"Everybody must stay inside!" Shouted Adam. "There has been an explotion at a secret nuclear power station noone knew even was here. The smoke is very dangerous!"

"But Adam, they are vampires," Lucas interrupted.

"They can still get radioactive," Adam explained. "And then they may spread the mutants to other people."

"It's OK," said Edward protectively to the children. "We'll just stay inside until it cleares up again."

"I think we should leave again," Esme huffed. "This is very unpleasant and grizzly."

"No," said Edward serioosly. "We have finally found a proper home, and we must fight for it!"


	3. The Heroes

Nikki was out hunting mutants with her dad. They were following a huge, evil dragon/elephant/wolf/something up the trail towards the old castle. She carried a machine gun with lazer aim and had a grenade thrower on her back. She was dressed head to tow in campo. Now they were crawling as quickly and silently as they could through the bushy undergrowth along Loch Ness, hot on the track of the monster.

The mutant stomped it's hugue feet with sharp razor claws, and breathed fire from it's long scaley trunk over a humongus mouth full of sharp carnivorious teeth. It tore up trees along the side of the road and munched them to sawdust.

"I have it surrounded," said her father. "Distract it with a grenade while I dispatch a missile to its brain."

"Roger that!" screamed Nikki and fired a grenade up in the air. It flew all the way to the castle, and broke a window. Dang! There was a loud sond of KABOOOM! from inside. An angry man came busting out from the front door.

"WHAT THE **** ARE YOU MORONIC IMBESILES DOING?" he shouted in rage.

The mutant heard him and harumffed towards him at full throttle.

"NOOOOOOOOOO dad watch out!" shouted a pale, sexy boy with messy hair that came running from the castle. He lunged at the mutant an planted a fist in its ugly mugly. The mutant howled in pain and gripped the boy in his trunk and ate him!

"Oh no, what have I done?" Nikki lamented. That poor boy had been really cute and all.

Suddenly... the monster started to gag and retch, and puked the boy back up. He sat on the ground looking a bit scortched and he was nakled because the monster had digested his clothes, but he was ok. Thank goodness for that. There was the sound of a shot, and the mutant's ugly unnatural head exploded in a supernova of blood and braincells.

"I got him!" shouted Daddy.

They ran up to the mutant that was lying decapitated on the ground. Daddy started taking samples of the brain and eyes and teeth to bring to dr. Bullard at the lab.

A pretty lady with long brown hair came marching towards them.

"You scared the wits out of our smallest children with that bomb of yours!" she shouted.

"I'm so very sorry," said Nikki. "But we were trying to stop this monster and I missed a little."

Esme looked at the dead abdomination. "It's alright," she said. "No harm done, you only exploded a toilet we were going to redecorate anyway. Aren't you a little young to be out here hunting mutants?"

"Oh no, I'm 16!" Nikki exclaimed. "But maybe I look a little younger."

Lots of little orphans came peering out of the door to see the dead mutant. They were small and cute and reminded Nikki of kittens.

"I'm sorry I scared you guys!" she said apologetically.

"You only did what you had to," said a relatively cute guy who came out of a truck. "My name is Homer, by the way. But people usually call me Peter, because they think I look like Spiderman. "

"Nice to meet you, Peter," said Nikki. "I'm Mariel Nicole McCray, but people always call me Nikki. I hunt mutants with my Dad, and I can talk to animals. It comes in real handy."

"Cool," said Peter.


	4. Love and Loss

It was a horrible day with thunder and lightning. Nikki, Edward, Bella, Alice, Peter and Mary Agnes were reading a really scary horror novel in the castle's spooky library, because they were bored. Edward was reading alowed for the others.

Suddenly... someone appeared in the Floo network. It was DUMBLEDORE!

"Greetings," he said as he stepped out of the green fire. "I have come to test your orphans for magic. Who is in charge here?"

"I am," said Peter. "Please don't take them away, we are the only family they have."

"Oh don't worry," said Dumbledore. "The school's just around the next corner. They can come home after class."

Peter went to get the kids, and Dumble pulled the sorting hat out of his pocket.

"Five Gryffindoors, three Hufflepuffs, and a Slytherin," he said happily when everyone was sorted.

Harry Potter appeared in the Floo. "Headmaster, you need to come back to school!" he said nervously. "The mutants are eating the transfiguration clessroom."

"Those BASTARDS!" shouted Dumbledore. He grabbed his phoenix and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Bella started crying because she hadn't been invited to go to the special school.

Suddenly the door went up, and in came a guy with short brown hair and dark, serious eyes under angry eyebrows. He was muscular under his clothes, and had a very charming crooked smile.

"Hi, I'm Dimitri," he explained. "I am the Spooks' exploding expert. You name it, I can detonate it. Mr Carlisle wanted me to booby trap the perimeters of the garden against mutants."

"Oh yeah, that," said Edward disinterestedly as he patted Bella comfortingly on the head. "Listen, I'm a littlebusy right now. Can anyone else show him where to dig."

"I can do it," Nikki said enthusiastically happily. She wouldn't mind spending some time alone with Dimitri, because he was really sexy. She changed into her camo and headed outside.

In the garden Renesmee was eating some red berries from a plant.

"You shouldn't do that Rennie," said Nikki. "They could be poisonous and radioactive!"

Renesmee made some gurgling sounds, and her eyes started rolling around in her head. Her arms and legs started spazzing.

"You have to go get Dr Cullen and Peter!" Nikki screamed. "Run! I'll do first aid!"

Poor Renesmee's face was turning green, and she was becoming bigger and bigger. A tail was coming out of her dress, and flippers were forming on arms and legs.

"Oh no!" Nikki shouted upsetly, "She is becoming a mutant!"

Carlisle came running with Peter and Edward. "What the f***?" he asked.

"Oh Renesmee!" Edward shouted "OH NO! Not Renesmee, who I love like my own daughter! Bella and me were going to adopt her when we got married! NOOOOOOooooooo!" He fell on his knees in despair and started clawing his eyes out. (A/N: He's a vampire so he can just pop them back in again. They are stone, like marbles you know.)

"We need to get her to the water," said Varlisle. He picked the new dinosaur baby up and carried it down to the lake. She swam away sadly.

Bella was crying and crying, and Peter gave her some pills and put her to bed and read her a poem. He had never told anyone, but he really liked her and thought she was the hottest girl he knew. She smiled sadly, and put her hand on his arm.

"I really liked your poem," she said. "Was it Shakespeare?"

"No, I wrote it myself," said Peter. "But please don't tell the kids, because they'll just laugh."

"I won't," said Bella. She looked into his eyes for a second, and Peter felt his heart flutter. He leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.

"Peter, we mustn't do this," said Bella. "I love Edward, and we are engaged."

"So why hasn't he given you a ring?" Peter asked bitterly.

"He's just taking his time picking out the absolute perfect one," Bella explained. "He says it's very hard to find one as beautiful as me."

Edward came in through the door, and gave Peter the "piss off" eyes. He sat down on her bed, and looked into her eyes.

"Listen," he said, "Losing Renesmee made me realise how important our relationship is to me. I think it's time we took it to the next level."

"I'm too depressed to have sex," said Bella and started crying again.

Meanwhile downstairs, Harry Potter had just apparated into the living room. "I need your help," he said. "I know who is behind all the mutants!"


	5. Where is that mongrel Snape?

"What do you mean?" Edward asked suspectively. "The mutants were made by radiation from the secret nuclear power station that blew up."

"I know who blew it up!" said Harry passivenately. "It was professor Snape! He's a deat eater!"

"That bastard" screamed Edward, and started crying. "It is his fault that my Renesmee is all alone out there now!"

"Why aren't you just arresting him?" Bella asked angrily. "I mean, yuou have proof, right?"

"He's escaped!" said Harry. "We tied him up, put him in a trunk, locked it, put the trunk in a cell with no windows, and sat a dragon outside the door. When we came to feed him the next day he was gone and we found only a book called Houdini's Best Tricks!"

"Maybe he apparated out?" Carlisle asked.

"You can't apparate from Hogwarts," Harry explained. "Besides, we confiscated his wand."

"He will pay for this!" said Edwand. "What do we do? Go out searching for him?"

"Of course!" said Harry. "We need everybody who can fight to go hunting for him. Those who can't do magic can bring guns."

Nikki went home to get her machine gun, and the vanpires organized groups for hunting Snape. Then they went to Hogwarts.

Dumbledore was pacing impatiently back and forth in the great hall. "It is very mysterious!" he said. "Professor Snape must have had a helper, who could tame dragons and who had keys."

"Are you even sure it was Snapoe who blew up the nuclear plant?" Hermione asked. "I mean, Harry has usually been wrong about Snape being guilty earlier."

"Of course it was him!" said Dumbledore. "Both Hagrid and me saw him hang around over there before it went blooie."

They looked for Snape all over the castle, and in the forest. The sun went down, and it was very useful to have the vampires with their good night vision. Nikki and Dad had night goggles, plus Nikki had some wild cats she knew who helped her spy. (A/N She can talk to animals, remember.)

It was a very dark and foggy night, and in the mountains they could hear werewolves howl at the full moon.

"Why is there a phone box in the middle of that field?" Bella asked.

"That's not a phonebox, it's the Tardis!" said Dad. "I wonder if the Doctor is still around."

They knocked on the front door of the Tardis. There was nobody home.

"Darn," said Dad. "He could have travelled back in time and seen who it was who helped Snape escape. (LOL it rymes!)"

Dimitri and Adam caught up with them. "You have got to come and see this!" said Dimitri.

They ran across the field and over a hill and into a valley. At the bottom of the valley there were many angry tin cans that had guns sticking out of them.

"Aaaarrgh! Daleks!" shouted Dad.

"E-X-T-E-R-M-I-N-A-T-E!" said the dakels. One of them fired a fireball that hit Adam square in the chest and he fell over choking.

"Noo! Adam!" Dimitri shouted and ran over to his wounded friend.

Nikki got her grenade thrower and aimed at the Daleks. Edward charged forward. The fireballs could not harm him because vampires only burn if they are dismembered first. Else it takes 1000 00000 00000 00000 00000 000 00000000 000 00 0000000 degrees to melt them. Dad made a molotov and threw it at the nearest Dalek. Then Edward picked up one and hit another one over the head with it. Both Daleks became flattened and stuck together. He tossed them at a third one, and it exploded. Nikki shot the last one in the periscope.

"We got them!" shouted Edward.

"I hate Daleks!" said Nikki with disgust. "Let's get out of here and find that bastard Snape!"


	6. Love Hurts

When they came back to the Tardis there was someone there. It was Harry Pierce from MI-5, who was the Spook Boss.

"What?" Dimitri asked in confuse. "Harry, are you Dr Who?"

"Yes, I'm the 15th doctor," Harry admitted. "I made it my job to protect the world, and to save my lost love Ruth by going back in time and get her."

"But the timelords can only regenerate 13 times," asked Adam.

"Oh, but in the future I find a way around that," the Doctor Harry assured him.

They gave up looking for Snape for the night, because they realised he must had found some hole to curl up and sleep in. So they went home to the castle and had a cup of tea like Englishmen do.

Nikki met Dimitri in the hall, and they sat down on the stair talking about the events of the night.

"Listen..." said Dimitri. "I've been watching you for a while. Not in a creepy stalker way, just paying attention to how brave and pretty you are."

Nikki felt very flattered. "I guess I've been looking at you too," she said.

"Sooo, do you like wanna... hang out some time?" he asked.

"Sure," Nikki replied happy and smiling.

Meanwhile, Peter was in his room crying. He was drawing a picture of Brella, because he loved her more than every grain of sand on the tropical beach. Around the picture he wrote her name again and again in curly handwriting with roses weaved in. Because roses are the flowers of sorrow and love. He hid the picture in his diary, and started writing another poem about how lovely she was, like a white lily on the shores of a dark lake glittering in the moonlight. He loved Bella with all his broken heart, and wanted her to marry him instead of Edward, but he knew he had no chance since he was only a human boy and Edward was a sexy, handsome and strong vampire with a body like a cold marble statue.

And poor Mary Agnes was crying on her own bed because she loved Peter, but he only had eyes for Bekla. Bella was beautiful like a summer's night and Mary Agnes was a little skeleton and didn't have boobs because she became a vampire before she had any. How could anybody love her? She wanted to become goth, but Esme wouldn't let her because she had middle class ideals.

The next morning it was sunny for once. Nikki woke up really early, and decided to take her midnight black horse Raven for a run. She rode across fields and hills and through forests. The sun reflected in her golden brown eyes and the wind played with her long blonde hair. Raven was the fastest horse in Scotland, and she could have been famous in racing, but Nikki wasn't into that. It was a disgusting sport for Englishmen. She was into anmal welfare. Once she had burgled into a sience facility and stolen all the puppies that were going to be killed horribly in an experiment the next day. Then she had released all the other animals in the forest and blown up the lab. It had been on the news for weeks, and she had lauged every time she watched it.

She decided to ride down to Loch Ness and go for a swim. Baby disonaur Nessie came to play with her, and let her ride on her back. She loved getting attention. Then Nikki had to go back home and take her dogs for a walk. She had found homes for most of the puppies she rescued and given some to the children at the orphanage so they could learn to love dogs and not drink their blood. The three she had kept looked a bit wolfy, like they were mixed with huskies or something. Edward said the kids couldn't have those, because he hated wolves since Bella used to have a crush on one. Wow, she had never believed Bella was a furry, but you never know.

Dad helped her walk the dogs, and they went to talk to Dr. Harry about him going back in time to see who helped Snape. Doc was drinking whiskey in the Tardis and watching Lewis on TV.

"No time to lose," he said when he heard why they had come, and then he pushed some buttons and pulled some levers, and the Tardis started spinning through time and space.


	7. Sorrow of Love

The Tardist stopped and Dr Who opened the door. They were in Hogwarts! Nikki took her gun and started walking silently down the hall with Dad and Dr Harry right behind. They hid in a closet and peered through the key hole. From there they could see the door to Snape's cell on the other side. Suddenly they heard footsteps, but they couldn't see anything! There was the sound of a lock unlocking itself, and the door went up! Then the lid flew off the trunk, and the chains fell off Snape. He became invisible! Then he was gone!

"Bloody cheek!" said the Doc. They must have used an invisibility claok.

"We need to find Harry Potter!" said Nikki. "He needs to know that someone has stolen his cloak!"

But they couldn't find the classroom he was in. They tried configuration with McGonagle, DADA with Lupin and Care of magical creatures with Hagrid, but he wasn't there. So they went to Dumbledore's office in the Gryffindoor tower.

"Come in," said Dumbledore. "What can I do to help you?"

"We really need to talk to Harry," said Nikki, "Because someone has stolen his invisible cloak!"

"And we don't know what class he is in!" said Dad.

Dumbledore waved his wand and said "Accio Harry Pitter!" Suddenly Harry sat on a chair.

"Harry, your cloak has been stolen!" Nikki blurted.

"Whaaat?" Harry said with shock. "Who has done that?"

"We don't know!" said Nikki, "But they helped Snape escape! We have come from the future to stop him, but we couldn't see who it was who helped him!"

"Has Snape escaped?" Dumbledore said in horror. "How did you know he would?"

"Because Harry came to the castle and told us," Dad explained.

"Oh," said Harry. "That means I have to go and tell them now, else this will never happen!" And then he hopped into the Floo.

"This was bummer," said Dr 15. "We need to get back to our own time. But we'll call you when we arrive and hear what has happened."

They went back to the Tardis and went home. Doc called Dumbledore and asked him what he had found out. Dumbledore said that they had found a video tape of Snape threatening Slughorn and saying that if he didn't do as Snape said he would expose his dirty secrets. But there was more on the tape. Snape was also talking to Edward and they couldn't hear what he said but Edward said it was a good idea. But they couldn't ask Edward about it, because the film was from the future, so it hadn't happened yet.

Upstairs Edward was kissing Bella passionately. "Are you ready for the next step" he asked as he took off his clothes.

"I think so," said Bella. "But what it the kids can hear us?"

Edward turned on the CD player with MCR really loud, and took off Bella's dress. They made out on the bed and began doing it. Suddenly there was a banging in the door.

"Turn off that hideous noise!" shouted Peter who only liked country music. "You are upsetting the children!"

"This is our house, I'll play as loudly as I want to!" shouted Edward. He turned the volume up even louder and continued having sex with Bella.

"I AM THE BOSS HERE!" Peter shouted.

"NOOO! MY DAD IS!" shouted Edward over the music. They heard Peter march angry down the stairs. "Loser!" Edward spat.

Then suddenly there was a flash of green light in the fireplace, and JACOB came into the room!

"What the hell are you doing here WEREWOLF?" Edward growlied, sliding off of Bella because he had lost the mood.

"Bella!" Exclaimed Jacob. "How could you do this? I thought you LOVED ME?"

"I'm sorry," said Bella shamefaced.

"GET DA FUCK OUTTA HERE YOU UGLY POSER!" Edward yelled, and then he started fighting with Jacob. Jacob ran out of the room, and Edward followed and beat Jacob up brutally all over the house.

In the livingroom Harry and Dumbledore were explaining to everyone what they knew about Snape's crime. It sounded very serious. Carlisle was comforting Esme, and Alice was crying on Jasper's shoulder.

Lucas North and Harry Pearce who was currently the Doctor came in. "We think we may have a lead on who Snape's secret accomplished must have been," said Lucas.

"Oh," said Carlisle. "Who might this sinister fiend be?"

"It is a man named Vaughn," said Lucas. "He has no morals and will work for anyone who can pay."

"Snape doesn't earn that well," said Dumbledore.

"I don't think Snape is the master mind behind this," said Lucas. "There is too many random coincidences. Someone better at world domination must have instigated the operation."

"Maybe Snape works for Vaugn?" Carlisle asked.

"Bingo!" said Lucas. "Now we must be going. Adam has found evidence of extraterrestrial life in the office."

Harry and Lucas left. "This is messed up!" said Harry Potter.

But then they heard screaming and growling, and the sound of people getting thrown into walls and things being knocked over.

"What the bloody...?" Carlisle asked, opening the door. Suddenly Edward and Jacob came bursting into the room! Edward grabbed a huge pot with a palm in it and smashed it over Jacob's head. Jacom howled in pain and suffering, and grabbed a firepoker that he shoved up Edward's derriere. Then Edward punched Jacob in the face so hard his whole arm disappeared down his throat. He grabbed Jacob's stomach and bowels and twisted them around.

"EDWARD THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Carlisle screamed. Esme started sobbing.

Harry and Dumbledore drew their wands. "Let him go, Cullen," Harry said threateningly.

Edward yanked his hand back, and ripped Jacob's tonsils out in the process. Then he scrambled out of the room.

Jacob was groaning on the carpet and spitting blood from his nose and mouth.

"I think we better take him to Madam Pommesfrites," said Dumbledore. Harry and him picket the unconscious boy up and apparated away.


	8. The Sadness of Hearts

The next day nobody had still found Snaoe. There had been an invation of ugly mutants that the wizards and the spooks helped to fight against. Nikki had discovered that she could not talk to these mutants, because their language made no sence. It was awful to listen to, like sounds that weren't supoposed to exist. It made her spine crawl. The only thing she was sure of was that the mutants were properly evil. They had a ferocious need to destroy everything natural and good because they did not understand it.

Nikki was on a hunting squad with Edward, Lucas, Tom Quinn and Alice. Lucas had said that she couldn't hunt with Dimitri because they would just distract each other. But he couldn't tell them they couldn't date, because Nikki wasn't a spook. Though she was the Doctor's new companion now with her Dad, and Harry Percy was the Doctor so she kind of worked for the spooks too.

They crawled silently between the bushes and trees looking for mutants to ambush. There was a really nasty crocodile-cow thingy they had tracked for about an hour. It looked fierce.

Suddenly they heard a shot ring out, and Dad yelled triumphantly. He held up a big and icky frog with fangs and wings. Nikki heard the sound of gallopping hooves, and saw the croCOWdile come ruminating towards them. She grabbed her grenade thrower and shot at the mutant. Its head went up in smoke but it kept running because it had its brain in the udder.

"Bloody bad luck!" Lucas sneered and started shooting at it but it didn't even slow down.

Alice sprinted forwards and tossed herself at the beast. She bit it in the brain. It was dead.

Everyone cheered, and tossed Alice high un in the air. Sometimes Nikki was a bit jealous that the vampires had powers she didn't. It would be cool to have some powers of her own.

With the threat disposed of, they took the rest of the day off to go swimming. Bella wanted to see Renesmee again, so Nikki called for her in animal language. It took a while before she responded, because she was a dinosaur and they speak a very old fashioned type with like thee and thou. So she had to learn modern language.

Nessie let Bella ride on her back like Nikki used to, and Bella looked very happy. She could still be Nessie's mother, even if Nessie couldn't live in the house. And when she married Edward he would be her father.

Edward didn't want to come swimming with them because he was butthurt, and Peter decided to seize the oportunity to get closer to Bella. He wasn't afraid of Nessie, and reckoned that as long as she could live comfortably in the lake it wasn't any problem for him that Bella had a kid.

Up at the house, the older people were discussing the disturbing facts about Snape and Vaughn.

"I refuse to believe that my son Edward is going to join their evil side in the future!" said Esme.

"But we have seen the tape!" said Harry (The Doctor. Not Harry Potter because he's not older and is down at the lake taking a bath.). "It showed very clearly what is going to happen!"

"Ah, but the future can be changed," said Dumbledore. "We need to prevent Edward from becoming evil, so that this bad future will never come to pass."

"How will we do that exactly?" Harry asked. "It seems to me that Edward is fully capable of inflicting some serious injuries on other people."

"To be fair," said Carlisle, "Jacob spied on him and Bella making whoopie for the first time. He was filming them and was going to put it out on Youtube because Bella dumped him for Edward."

"Under such circumstances we can all get a bit violent," confirmed Lucas. "Not that it has ever happened to me, of course."

"We only have Edward's word for that," said Dumbledore. "Jacob had lost a lot of blood and his intestines were in disarray, and he's still in a coma over at our hospital wing."

"Are you inseminating that Edward would make such a terrible fable up?" Esme asked in horror.

"Worse lies have been told," said Dumbledore. "The main point is that we all treat Edward with lots of understanding and kindness, so that he will have no reason to be angry and go to the dark side."

Edward was listning behind the door. He heard only half of what they were saying about him, so he thought they didn't like him. Very angry he stomped off to the woods where he walked around in self pity for a few hours. Then he decided to go down to the lake to join the others.

Down by the lake the sun was going down and it was getting a little nippy for the non-vampires. Nikki didn't mind cold water too much, but Dimitri was getting all protective of her and saying stuff he'd learned in the army about not getting hydrothermia. So she decided it was probably time to get up from the water and go home to her doggies who would be waiting for their evening run.

Suddenly they heard someone cry for help, and Peter came running up from the beach with an unconscious Bella in his arms. Bella looked very drowned, but she still had pulse.

"What happened?" Nikki shouted afraid. Bella was her friend and she didn't want any bad stuff to happen to her friends.

"She went under for too long!" shouted Peter, doing CPR. "I think she was holding on to Nessie's tail or something, and suddenly she was floating upside-down!"

He did some more mouth to mouth, and Bella coughed back to life. But then all of a suddenly there was an angry rush of air, and Edwarp was standing in front of them looking MAD.

"Bella!" he demanded notoriously, "Why are you kissing Peter?"

"I... I dunno!" spluttred Bella. "I can't remember what happened."

"LIES!" shouted Edward with raeg and his eyes shot red hot lazers at the rest of the peeps.

"But it's true, Edwars!" said Nikki. "She nearly drowned and Peter was giving her CRP. He saved her life and you should thank him!"

"Yeah, like I'll believe that," asked Edward emotically and sprinted off into the night.

Bella started sobbing, and the others were just looking at each other like "Crap, he's gonna become evil." They went up to the castle sadly. Bella was sobbing against Peter's neck all the time, and though she tried to resist she knew she was falling for him.


	9. Agony and Roses

Thne nexst morning the gang was having fun catching mutants when the doctor fifteen said that they all has to go into the orphanage buses and go to Hogwarts to attend a meeting. Remus Lupin was giving a public speech about werewolf rights and the violence that had happened to Jacob. Lots of people were crying from his speech. Peter was supporting Bella through this hard time, and she was much greatful to him for that.

"This violence and beastiality against our races has gone on for much too long!" Lupin rallied them up. "It is time we all look into our inner hearts and find the love for another. We must not let Jacob's trauma go unnoticed. Take these bracelets that Harry and Ron will be handing out, and wear them proudly on display for werewolf awereness!"

They all got fuzzy plush bracelets with green glass eyes on them to remind them werewolfs who had feelings. Nikki's was black, Dimitri's was grey, Lucas' was silver, Doc's was brown, Bella's was black with white tips and Peter's was white.

Later they went to visit Jacob in the hospital wing. He was still asleep, and a boiler engine was attached to his lungs to keep him breathing. Bella cried and cried, and Peter kissed her cheek and said she was beautiful.

Meanwhile Edward was sulking at home. He had not been invited to Lupin's essay because he was the cause of all the misery DUUUUHH! So he was lounging in front of the TV and pleasing himself while watching "Birds of Britain." Lonely and miserable he regretted hurting Bella, because maybe she really had been drowning. He would have to think of a solutation to win her affections back to him. So he went for a walk in the forest for inspiration.

Behind a tree he found a skinny man with a sleasy face. "And who mayt so you be?" he asked bluntly.

"I am Vaughn Edwards," responced the man. "And thus I assume that you must be the vampire man Edward Cullen?"

"You assume rightly so," Edward answered flattered. "Why have you come to these parts?"

"I have been seeking yoyu," reqouted Vaughn. "There has been a tape circulating that shows you will be most useful to our cause in the distant future."

"What cause have you got that I might help you with?" asked Edward. He was pleased to not be seen as a bad guy again.

"Come with me and I'll explain..." Vaughn said enginmatically.

Back at home, Nikki was playing fetch with her dogs in the back yard, when a car pulled up in the drive.

"Daaaaad!" shouted Nikki. "Grandpa and grandma are here!"

"Welcome, welcome!" shouted Dad, and grabbed the two elderly and swung them around while smooching them lovingly. "This was unexpected. We haven't prepared anything for visitors, I'm sad to say."

"That's OK," assured Grandpa. "We're not staying long. In fact, we have to go right back. We were only wondering if you could help us looking after your Uncle Goober."

"But Grandpa," Nikki protested, "We're fighting mutants here! And the Doctor says we have to go time travelling a lot. Mom's travelled to Australia and won't be back in a long time!"

"Well, he can't stay in the suburb with us!" said Grandma. "He's upsetting the neighbours. You don't know what sort of social taboo it is to have a demented mad scientist living in your family."

(A/N This fic deals with a lot of society problems.)

Uncle Goober came out of the car. He had big hornrimmed glasses and long white hair that stuck out in all directions. He wore a bloodsplattered lab coat and had unaturally sharp pointy teeth.

"Well, OK then," said Dad sadly. "He can live in the shed, I suppose. Plenty of stuff he can mix medicine from in there. And we can bring him mutants to research."

Just then Nikki's smartphone rang, and it was Dimitri who asked if she wanted to come over. She was really happy and ran away from her insane family as fast as she could.

Dimitri was sharing a flat with Adam and Tom. Lucas lived there too, but he was out with a date. They had invited themselves along to go and see a movie, because they had been dumped and they were depressed. Fortunately they bought tickets to see a completely different film so Nikki got to spend some time with Dimitri without those two hangin over their shoulders. She had chosen an incredibly scary movie so that she could prented to be scared and ask him to hold her hand. She wasn't really scared, though.

When the movie ended, they saw Peter and Bella coming out from the same film that Tom & Adam had watched: A dreadful sappy flick called "Love in a Candyheart." It was one of those films that you always know is going to have a happy ending. Bella looked like she had been crying a lot though, but that was probably just because she was sad about Jacob being wounded.

Suddenly Edward came around the corner. He handed Bella a huge boquet of red roses and then he went down on one knee to sing "Vampires Will Never Hurt You" by MCR to her. He chose that song to let her know that he loved her and would never do anything to make her sad. Bella started crying and said she forgave him. Peter started crying to, because he just got dumped. So he went away to a pub with Adam and Tom to get sloshed and forget all about girls.


	10. Secrets and Plans

A/N This is just a short chapter because I needed to say something very important: Nikki's boyfriend is NOT Dimitri from Twilight, he's Dimitri from SPOOKS. Who is very hot and fights sharks for fun. Ruth said so, and Ruth never lies. Except when Harry makes her.

Peter came home shitfaced and collapsed to bed. As he drank vodka he came up with a desperate plan to be with Bella. Slowly and depressedly he got to his feet and went to knock on Mary Agnes' door. It was not really appropriate, but he didn't care - he was drunk and had much heartache.

Mary Agnes opened the door and smiled. She was really gothically happy that Peter had decided to share his pain with her. If only she could do something to help him, anything at all, she would.

"Mary Agnes," said Peter with lots of pain in his voice, "I need you to do me a favour."

"Of course," said Mary Agnes infatuatedly.

"You must turn me vampiric!" pleaded Peter. "That's the only way I can compete with Edward. Maybe Bella will like me better than him then."

Poor Mary Agnes' heart shattered in a million little pieces, and a tear ran down her pale cheek as she said "ok". Peter bendt down so she could bite his neck, and her tears mixed with his blood as she sank her teeth into him. Then she helped him to bed as he cramped and seizured in transforming.

In another bedroom Edward and Bella were doing the sexy passionately for the second time. This time Edward had bricked up that darn fire place so nobody else could apparate in and pay attention to them having sex.

"Oh Edward!" moaned Bella sexily.

"Oh Bella!" moaned Edward hornily.

Just at that moment Jacob Black woke up in Hogwarts and was ready for revenge! The little green lamp above his head started beeping, and the healers came running.

"Thank goodness he has no permanent brain damage," said Dumbledore. "Maybe a bit of memory loss, but that's to be expected. We'll send him to his cousin Sirius to recover from the incidcent."

They removed all the life support pipes and bandages, and packed Jacob in a vanishing cupboard to go to Sirius house where he lived with Harry and their black dog Snuffles.

The other Harry, the 15th Doctor, was in the Tardis having a glass of Scotch and watching The Bill. Ruth was sipping on a cup of camomille tea and browsing through available properties. She had always wanted to live in a little cottage by the sea. Originally that could never happen, because Ruth had been murdered. But when Harry recovered his memory and realized he was the Doctor and a time lord, he went back in time and snatched Ruth just before Sasha could sink his knife in her. He had fixed up the inside of the Tardis so it looked more like a lovely house, but Ruth still thought it was very embarassing to invite friends over to a phone box.

"But we can't travel in time with a whole house," Harry explained reasonably. "It creates too much resistance in the time vortex and the fabric of reality."

"Yeah, but we could have a vacation home," said Ruth.

Just then there was a knock on the door and it was Dumbledore coming in for an early morning visit.

"It has come to pass," he said seriusoly. "Edward has been recruited to Vaughn's evil side."

"That is most unfortunate," scowled the Doc. "But we must continue with plan B. Now he must lead us to Vaughn and reveal his insideous plans."


	11. Dreams Can Come True

As the smoke cleared over the borken hearts' battlefield the next morning, Peter awoke from his transformatation and felt really grate. He ran into a bathroom and beheld himself in the mirror. Oh yeah, he was smokin'! With great hurry he shredded off his PJs to survey his new abs. There was a new vampire in town!

Nobody wanted to bring breakfast to Uncle Goober in the shed, so Nikki had to do it. She feared he might become extremely carnivorous if his needs went untended to for too long. Uncle Goober was working on a new conspicous contraption, and he was cackling evilly as he turned knobs and flipped switches.

"Morning, Uncle Goober," said Nikki cheerfully. "What is this interesting new innovation you are inventing?"

Uncle Goober flashed her a spikey-toothed smile, and his eyes got a manic countenance. "This is a machine that turns humans into electricity!" he said convenially. "Would you like to be my test subject?"

"Sorry, but I've got work to do," Nikki excused herself. She sat the tray with the uncle's requested breakfast of raw eggs, vinegar marinated sausage and a bowl of fish eyes on the table, and backed away slowly.

She feared for her dogs' safety. It was so unfair that the poor little friends she had rescued from a torturous death in the laboratory were now in danger at the farm, their safe haven. She wiped away some angry tears and started thinking of a plan. Maybe she could move out for a few weeks, until Dad decided what to do with his insane uncle. That seemed like the smartest thing to do.

The Spooks were analysing the footage of Edward talking to Snapoe.

"It doesn't proove anything," said Carlisle. "All you see is that he's having a perfectly normal and polite conversation with his potions teacher. They are probably talking about a study plan to improve his grades. Edward is very scholarly. He takes after me."

"But there is also THIS!" said Lucas, and started showing a film of Edward and Vaughn in the forest. They could clearly hear Vaughn tell Edward that he was essential to their plan.

"Where did you get this from?" Esme gasped. "Why are you filming my children? Do you not respect our privacy?"

"We do," said Adam. "It's just that we know that Vaughn is evil and that Snape is trouble. I think Edward has fallen in bad company."

"My poor baby!" sniffled Esme. "I knew we shouldn't have been so hard on him. Everyone makes mistakes."

"We must do as Dumbledore said," contributed Carlisle. "We need to show Edward understanding and kindness, and let him know that we do not blame him for what has happened."

"With so many children to take care of, we haven't always had time to concider his sensitive soul," lamented Esme reminiscently.

Carlisle went to talk to Edward, who was macking on Bella in the shade of a cherry tree. "Go away Dad, I'm busy," said Edward romantically, as he was drowning in Bella's brown eyes of beauty and innocence.

"Son, we need to have the boy-talk," said Carlisne fatherly. "You have descended upon the crossroads of manhood, and grievous mistaks can be made if you take the wronk turn."

"But Dad, I don't have sperm," Edward admitted chagrinningly.

"Alas, but I'm not talking about you enamoured coupulations with Izabella," Carlisle conveyed. "I am worried about your friendships with apocryphal individuals."

"Who are you talking about?" Edward requested. "I only know the orphans and the kids at school."

"This man you met in the forest Carlisle examinated perturbedly."

"Oh you mean Vaughn!" Edward exclaimed. "He says I have a bright future in his symphonic orchestra!"

"That's great news!" Carlisle flexated. "I knew those darn Spooks were just overreacting. They thought you were joining a terrorist organisation."

"Ha ha, that's a good joke," Edward laughed flatly. "Now please give us some space, Dad. I'm trying to woo my betrothed here."

So Carlisle galloped off to explain everything.

"Carlisle exactly how stupid are you?" Adam bellowed and shook Carlisle silly. "And your mentally inefficient son as well? Don't you see that you have been played? The only string section here is the one Vaughn is pulling on you twerps!"

"Shut up Adam, I don't like you!" shouted Carlisle. "You are just a petty man who can't admit that he's wrong, and too pathetic to be happy for my son that the world will finally respect his musclial genius."

"I think you better leave now," reasoned Lucas, who was rubbing his back against the walls indignifiedly. The radiation was having a weord effect on his tattoos, making them change shape and move all around his body. And it itched like wearing long-johns knitted with steel wool.

"Dillettants," announced Carlisle and obscured away.

Nikki was building a house for herself and the dogs, in a clearing near the castle. She was used to living rough, because when she was 10 she had lived alone outdoors for a whole year. The family didn't have room for her in the house, because aunt Begonia had come to visit with her lamp collection and three pugs and a bulldog. She had taken Nikki's room, and it was just so bloody hard to make her leave again. And before that she had been on many monster hunting trips with Dad.

She had learned an ancient method that allowed her to weave branches an twigs together in such a way that they kept growing, and the whole house became a living, breathing structure. She worked on it for three days, and when it was finished it had two rooms, a kitchen and a shelter for the dogs to sleep in. Esme said she could use a bathroom in the castle, and come in to watch TV whenever she wanted. It was going to be really nice living there.

Meanwhile Edward was at the piano rehearsing for Vaughn's world tour. He was playing a lovely piece of Mozart to Bella, who had starts in her eyes.

"Edward," she asked demuresly, "when will you give me a ring?"

"As soon as I find one splendid enough to do your exquisite visage justice," Edward said lovingly. "But that's very difficult, especially in Loch Ness."

"But I don't want a big, fancy ring," Bella entrusted him. "What I want is a simple golden band that says "your Edward" inside."

"Oh, I can get you that," said Edward, and zoomed off. A minute later he returned from his shopping trip (A/N: Edward drives like a maniac! LOL!) and presented her with a golden ring that he put on her finger.

"Nothing shall come between us!" said Edward.

Bella squeed and they kissed passionately and made out on the piano.

But outside the vindow there was JACOB!


	12. Sorrow Hurts

Edward was making out with Bella on top of the white grand piano in the lounge. His hands were starting to creep into her bra, and her fingers were starting to creep into his underpants.

Suddenly Jacob jumped through the window. He had a large and bulky sack with him that looked really heavy.

"You again?" Edward snarled. "Didn't you get enough of a thumping last time?"

Jacob took out a syringe and stabbed it into Edward's arm. It was a special werewolf poison that leaft Edward unable to move anything but his eyeballs. Jacob grabbed the sack and started pulling out bricks that he shoved forcefully down Edward's throat.

"You're going to find out how it feels to shit bricks now, Cullen!" Jacob cheerhooted.

"Don't do it, Jacob," said Bella.

"Quiet tramp!" Jacob demanded. "I can't believe you banged this freezer corpse when you could have had ME!"

Bella started to cry.

Emmett came into the room, and socked Jacob in the face so hard that he flew back out of the window and landed in a pile of body parts in the garden. He got to his feet grumumblingly and pissed off homewards.

Carlisle gave Edward an antidote for the poisoning, but he said that the bricks would have to come out the natural way. It was a bad start to his career.

Ruth was planting flowers outside the Tardis when Dumbledore arrived with Harry (Potter, cause the Doc is inside the Tardis) , Sirius and Remus Lupin.

"We need to speak urgently to Harry!" said Harry.

They all went inside and had a cup of tea while they discussed the newest news. Somebody had seen Snape near the Cullens' castle late that night, and he had appeared to have red eyes and fangs.

"He's bocome a cannibal," lamented Dumbledore. "This is a sad day for Hogwarts."

"Maybe he's just a newborn, and that's why his teeth are red?" Ruth suggested.

"But who would have turned him?" Lucas asked sceptically while scrathcing himself all over. "The only vampires around are the Cullens, and they don't much like him. Apart from that pathologically poncy Edward kid."

"But they will meet in the future, that is documented on film," replied Dumbledore. "Is it possible that in the future that already has happened in its own time, Edward has turned Snape, and that he has now come back to his past, that is our present?"

"Stranger things have happened," explained Sirius.

"That must be it!" said Harry Potter. "I'll start keeping an eye on Edward. He seems a bit troubled these days. BTW, Lucas may we see your tattoos?"

"I'd rather you didn't," Lucas grunted. "They are not a pretty sight."

"Ugly is cool," said Harry.

Lucas pulled off his sweater and they could all see what was plaguing the poor guy. The ink had blended together in new ways, and formed lots of ants, spiders and centipedes that were crawling about on his skin. He was bleeding from cuts where he had tried to dig some of them out with a potato peeler.

"You'd better let Madam Pomfrey have a look at that," said Harry. "I'm sure she's got something that gets rid of them."

"But they are part of my identity!" Lucas complained.

Peter was working in the orchard with Mary Agnes and Alice. His vampire skills were super good hearing and he could make things bulletproof. When he thought hard about a person, he could hear theor voice as what they were currently saying. Peter heard that Bella was talking sweetly to Edward, and when he thought about Edward he heard him groaning in a lot of pain. Sadly to say, he couldn't bring himself to feel sorry for his rival.

"Don't worry about it," said Alice. "I have seen in my visions that you will forget Bulla and find true love."

"I don't want to talk about Bella," Peter said darkly with pain.

Harry arrived at the castle to see if Edward was up to anything strange. He was in the bathroom, and Harry could hear his agonized moans and the occasional splash of masonry hitting porcelain.

"We need to talk about your world tour, Edward," said Harry. "You'll need a personal assistant to help you keep track of your instruments, give you pills and help you cope with the stage fright."

"But Bella is coming," said Edward suffering obliquely. "She will be my shining star, my inspiration and comfort in dark hotelrooms and on overheated buses."

"But Bella will want to come along as your girlfriend," explicated Harry. "She doesn't want to be your maid."

"That's probably true," said Edward. "Eeeeeeeeeooooowwww!"

Harry heard a clunk, and Edward started whimpering. So then it was decided that Harry would go on the road with them.

And what about Nikki? She was feeling quite happy in her new home. It had a sort of rustique picturesquety to it. The farmhouse she normally shared with her family wasn't all that modern either, but her own cottage was but awesomly quaint. She scratched her grey and white dog behing the ear while lazing on a quilted bedspread, and thought that life was actually quite good. But she missed Dimitri. It was nearly a week since she had last seen him, and she knew that having a relationship with such an adventurous badass was going to be challenging to her soul peace. But she was crushing awfully on him, and didn't want to let go of the feeling.

Meanwhile Adam was giving orders to Lucas and Tom. They knew more than they let on, and a very secret plan was about to be brough to life..!


	13. The Meaning of Love

Nikki woke up with a happy smile the next morning. The sun was shining in through her little bedroom window, and tiny happy birds were flittring about among the branches of the big tree her house was a part of. (Kind of like Winnie the Pooh's house.) She pushed the dogs down from her bed and went to have a cup of apple tea in the kitchen. After getting dressed, she headed down to the lake to catch some fish for breakfast.

Dumbledore was over at the Cullens' house and talking about what they were going to do catch Snape while Edward was on holidays.

"He will always return to the scene of the crime," Dumbledore resonnated wisemanly. "Because it was his future self that unleashed this tragedy in our recent past."

"Does he lose his wizard powers when he became a vampire?" asked Carlisle. "Or does he just become more mowerful?"

"He increased his might as both a wizard and a vumpire," Dumbledore reflected. "Just like Edward became a more powerful vampire when he was turned wizard."

"That is not good news," said Carlisle worried.

"Indeed," said Gandalf. "Now we need to establish what personal victory he could have for this crime. And then we can stop him in the future from making the trip back to that fateful day."

"But it already happened," said Esme. "So how can we stop the past from happening by stopping the future."

"When we stop him from exploding the nuclear power station, we get a new past where it didn't happen," Dumbledore explained with teaspoons. "We'll all be transported over into a parallell universe where we take up residence within our happier selves, and we forget this ever happened."

"OWWWWWWW my ass!" Edward shouted from the bathroom.

"That sounds like a lovely perception," Carlisle intervened. "But what about this Vaughn bloke?"

"The Doctor will deal with him," said Dumbledore.

Out in the yard, Dimitri was busy taking apart Peter's pick-up. There had been a funny sound in it, and Dimitri was worried the car had been rigged. It was now in 897907 pieces all over the neatly cropped lawn. Suddenly a big black dog came running. It became Jacob, and he was naked.

"What are you doing?" Dimitri asked suspiciously. "I don't think Bella will take you back just because you're parading around her home with your penis on display."

"Put this in their car!" Jacob hissed and handed Dimitri a bug. (The kind spies use, not an insect.)

"What are you playing at, mate?" Dimitri asked. "This here is just Peter's truck. He uses it to take produce to the market. I'm not going to help you spy on him just because he likes Bella."

"No, you twerp!" Jacob said impatiently. "THEIR car! You know! The tour bus!"

"I can't do that!" Dimitri replied. He was a bit amused by the knowledge that Jacob kept returning to get his ass in trouble. "It's illegal, and I can only take orders from Harry Pearce and Lucas."

"Fine, I'll do it myself then!" said Jacob and turned back into dog.

Nikki came by riding on Raven. Esme let her have the horse at the castle, so Uncle Goober couldn't hurt her. It had been a real relief.

"Hi, sexy," she said, as she dismounted and walked over to Dimitri.

"Hi yourself!" he replied in his sexy London accent. "How's life?"

"Good!" said Nikki. "Listen... The Doctor came over to talk to Dad yesterday, and he wants us to follow Vaughn's band in the Tardis. We're going to time travel to each of their concerts and see what has happened. Then we go back and use the information to try and catch Spane, or get Vaughn red handed."

"Awesome!" said Dimitri. "I'm in!"

They looked at each other in silence for a moment, and it was about to get awkward when Dimitri pulled her closer. They shared their first kiss in the radiating summer sun, as the roses bloomed and the waves rolled lazily against the shores of Loch Ness.

"Now we're official, I guess," said Dimitri.

"I think we should keep it secret for a little while," said Nikki. "Because we may not be allowed to go in the Tardis together if Harry and Dad knows."

Suddenly there was an awful commotion in the other end of the garden. Everyone ran there to see Emmett dragging Jacob out of the garage by his

"Haven't I told you to stay away from Bella and my little brother?" Emmett growled like the grizzly bears that made up most of his diet (But in Scotland he had to eat fish).

"Oww, let me go!" Jacob growled as he was being dragged along the pebble. "I've just been in a coma, show some respect, Cullen!"

"Piss off, werewolf!" gnarled Emmett.

ankles. Jacob turned back into a wolf and ran into the forest snarling. He turned to growl at Emmett a couple of times.

"He's going to be a problem," said Nikki.

"Nah, I'll deal with him," said Emmett self-confidencely. "I'm coming along as body guard."

Meanwhile Bella was giving Edward pity-sex to sooth his pain. She was faking it sensually, and Edward was exessively gratificated. Edward had sound-proofed the room and installed sooted windows so that nobody else could watch them screw.

The next morning they were off, heading towards their first venue which was Glasgow.


	14. Sorrow and Sorrow

"Are you all ready for the travel?" asked the Harry Peace as they were were getting into the Tardis the next day. The orchestra was going to play in Glasgow at night, so it was only a very shprt time travel.

Nikki had changed her usual combat shorts and tank top for black bootcut jeans, a black shirt with the Scottish flag printed on and studs around the sleeves and neck, white heeled boots and a red belt with silver studs.

Dimitri looked really sexy in a white button-up shirt with the top three buttons undone. Nikki hoped she didn't look as dumb and mindblown when she looked at him as Bella usually did whenever she beheld Edward.

Harry started the Tardis, and with a swirl they were in Glasgow ten hours later. It was getting dark, and people where crowding towards the stage to see the band play. Harry had falsified some tickets for them, so they had no troble getting in.

The orchestra came out on stage. They were a gothic symphonic metal band that combined the raw power of rock with the beauty and romance of classical music.

Vaughn started speaking to the audience. He had died his hair black and it didn't suit him at all.

"We love you GLASGOW!" shouted Vaughn. "This is the opening concert of our new mighty band POTION FOR PASSION! On keyboard and vocals we have Edward Cullen! On lead guitar we have Ripper John Bateman! (That was Lucas) On backing vocals we have the lovely Isabella Swan! On bass guitar we have Tom. And on drums we have MEEEE! Now let's get this party started!"

There was lots of fireworks, and the epic intro of "Welcome to the Black Parade" started playing.

"Puh, cover band," Adam said scornfully. He only liked Jazz anyway.

Vaughn got out from behind the drums. He took a microphone and started talking to the audience.

"This next song is very special to me," he said like and emotional guy. "I wrote it to a girl I used to know, and who at one point held my heart in her hands. She was my high school sweet heart, as they would say in America. But one day, I came home and I found this letter on the table it said _I don't love you_."

It wasn't Vaughn who sang it though, it was Edward. The teenagers nearest the stage started screaming and crying, and tried to climb up to Edward. Tom had to toss his guitar to Harry Potter and push them back down. Bella looked really proud that it was her who dated the marble heartthrob.

"Amateurish!" exclaimed Harry Pearce. "I had expected better from Tom and Lucas."

"But Tom has never played guitar before," said Dimitri missing the point.

It was a really rocking good opening concert. When it was over, Nikki and Dimitri really wanted to go to the party PFP were throwing at the hotel they stayed in. No one was tired at all, because to them it was only like noon. But Harry said that since nothing out of the usual had happened, they might as well catch the next concert while they were at it.

So they went to the Tardis again, and ended up in Manchester two days in the future. It was pretty much the same concert over again, and Nikki felt stupid for wearing the same clothes. The venue was a depressing old warehouse of some kind, which was really appropriate for the celebration of sadness and depression.

This time Potter had erected an invisible barrier around the edge of the stage, to stop fangirls from groping Edward. It was really fun to look at their manic expressions as they tried to crawl onto the stage and only kept slipping down.

Edward sang his own composed songs to Bella, and the girls cried even more. Bella cried so she couldn't see the piano. Then Edward turned into a bat and flew above the stage. He flew over the audiende and turned back into vampire and went crowd surfing. Vaugh dived off the stage too, but he wasn't so popular so he fell on the floor and said many f-words.

Nothing out of the usual happened on this concert either.

"Let's go back to our own time," said Adam, while Vaughn did the Springsteen around stage again. "My head hurts, and I'm starting to feel depressed myself."

"Looks like we can relax for a few days and focus on finding Snape," said Harry as they arrived safely in Ruth's flowery field by the lake.

They were back in the same moment they had left from, and the morning mists were hanging foggily over the castle. Nikki went into her cottage and made sausages and chips for lunch. She had snuck into the farm and gotten her lap top, so she was leeching off the Cullens' wireless internet and watching _Sherlock_ while she ate.

Then she took a nap because she had been in the moshpits for five hours. When she woke up there was a horrible ordeal over at the castle. She grabbed her rifle and ran over there, followed by the toughest of her dogs.

The scene it was terrible. Snape had arrived from the future with an army of Daleks. The Cullens had electrified the Dalek tanks by hosing them down, and the disgusting creatures were crawling about in the garden leaving slimy tracks like giant slugs. Snape was not vampire yet, and he looked like he was really scared off the Dalekls.

"Get them off me!" he shrieked as he flailed abysmally around on the lawn.

Nikki started shotting at the Daleks. Bear (that's her dog) ran over and started shaking them to pieces in his sharp teeth. Soon there were no Daleks left.

Then they heard a dreadful shriek from inside the house. They all ran to see what had happened. The screaming was coming from Jasper's room, and sounded awfully like Alice.

They all ran upstairs. Alice came running screaming out of room.

"What's the matter honey?" asked Esme. "Is is a spider?"

"PeeeEEEeeeEEEeeeEEEeeeevvv" said Alice squeakily.

They ran into the room and it was horrible. IN JASPER'S BED THERE WAS THE UGLIEST DALEK ANYONE HAD EVER SEEN AND IT HAD EATEN JASPER!

Nikki lifted her rifle with shock and utter disgust, and prepared to missile the Dalek in the eyeball.

"Don't do it," snoffled Alice. "I had a vision where you did, and it turned back into Japser. He has transformered!"

Esme collapsed next to the disgusting miscreant in the bed. "My poor little boy!" she sobbed despairingly. "Carlisle, do something!"

"This is most insidious!" hissed Carlisle. "I'll do what I can, but I need some samples of Jasper's original DNA to restore him. I need to ask the Doctor to take me back to when he was still vampire."

"Can't you go back and rescue him?" Esme asked.

"No, Mom," said Alice sadly. "I have seen a vision that he was transformed by a signal that was sent from the future. But I'm not sure when, because in our time the culprit hasn't decided to do it yet."

"It must have been Vaughn," said Nikki. "We'll find out how to stop him in the future, Alice. And Jasper will be as good as new."

"In the mean time we'll just have to show him lots of kindness and understanding," said Carlisle. "And show the neighbours that we are not embarrased to take him out in public."

Esme and Alice started collapsing on the floor crying, and Nikki helped drag them out of the room. She couldn't stand the sight of Jasper much longer. She knew he was just a mutated beautiful vampire but Daleks really gave her the heebie jeebies.

Esme put on a tea pot, because tea is good for existential crisises.

Nikki went home with Bear following her sadly. He was barely more than a puppy, poor thing. No way he should have to deal with Daleks. The day had started so awesomely, and now it sucked. She slipped into her pyjamas and started watching _Midsomer Murders_ to cheer up.


	15. Pain

It was really dark when Nikki woke up again. Like the middle of the night dark. But there was someone knocking on the door, and it sounded like her sister, and she sounded like she was scared. Just to be safe, Nikki took her rifle with her as she opened the door.

But it was just Moira. She was Nikki's younger sister and looked pretty much exactly the same as her except she had green eyes.

"Can I live here too?" asked Moira. "Uncle Goober tries to turn me into electricity all the time, and today he wanted me to try out an iron maiden he was constructing."

"My poor little sister!" exclaimed Nikki. "Of course you can stay. But it will be harder for you, because you have always been a preppy girl and I'm used to living outside."

She found a camp bed and put it up in the living room, and some spare pillows and blankets. They both went to sleep again, but it wasn't long until the the door knocked again.

"Who is it NOW?" Nikki grumbled as she went to open. It was Dad, who was really worried about Moira, and thought she had become electrons. Then he began briefing Nikki about their next time trip.

"They are playing in London on Saturday," he said. "Their success have made the news, and this will be a much bigger concert. Vaughn will probably pull a stunt then. Harry Pearce is so sure of that he says that if nothing happens we can go to the party after the concert.

"Yesss," shouted Nikki happily. "What can I wear? It must be something that's fit for both fighting and partying!"

"NOTHING SEXY!" said Dad. "I've seen how all the boys look at you; Dimitri, Edward, Peter, Jacob..."

Suddenly there was a knock on the door again. It was a vampire girl they hadn't seen before.

"I'm Bree," said the girl. "I have information about Vaughn Edwards and professor Snape."

They went to the castle to tell Harry the Doctor.

"We must debrief her," said Harry solemnly. "What is your name child, and what is your biography?"

"My name is Bree Tanner," said the girl. "I was born in Idaho, and my mother was a drug abuser. She normally forgot to feed me for days at the time. So one day she went out shopping for diet coke, a nosy neighbour wondered why she had a blue plastic skeleton in the pram. Then I was put in an orphanage ffor the next three years. At the orphanage they were incredibly strict, and we had to learn to cook and clean from the day we could walk. At three we were expected to be able to work as servants for rich people."

"That's awful!" said Esdme cryingly. "We must buy that orphanage and transfer all the children over here!"

"Of course," said Carlisle. "Let me text my powerful contacts."

"When I was three, my mother took me back," said Bree sadly. "Because she really wanted a maid and had convinced the orphanagers that she had reformed. I was just really happy that this stranger wanted me. She had married again, and her new husband was abusive. He made me wash the floor with my head as the mop, because he didn't want to buy cleaning supplies. He wouldn't be able to afford as much beer and potato chips (A/N If you are British, she means crisps:) if he spent money on that."

"That's awful!" gasped Alice.

"So when I was five," Bree continued, "I was sent back to the orphanage. Because one day we decided to do a family outing. We went bowling, and I got to be the ball, because my stepfather didn't want to rent equipement because then he couldn't afford fries with his burger later. I didn't mind at all, cuz I was used to pain and hard knocks by then. But some do-gooder called the child services, and I was back in the orphanage. It was OK, though. After a few weeks they couldn't afford to feed all the children anymore, so I was sold to a rich couple."

"So did you get a nice loving home?" Esme asked, wiping her tears with a tea towel.

"What? No!" said Bree. "I was sold as a slave. They had three daughters already, and I was not allowed to show myself to them. I had to get up at four o'clock every morning and get wood for the kitchen, and wash all the floors. Then I had to wash all the dirty clothes, and have them ready before breakfast. If breakfast was more than one second late, I got whipped, one lash for each second, with a belt adorned with barbed wire. The father always had his stop watch at hand. Eventually they got tired of me leaving my sticky orphan blood everywhere, so they sent me back to the orphanage and demanded a refund."

"As tragic as any of this is," said Harry, "What on earth has it got to do with Vaughn Edwards?"

"He's my biological father, of course," said Bree. "If you stop interrupting me, you'll find out how I found out! Anyways... I was sent back to my mother, who was married again. She had moved way out into the sticks with my new stepfather. He wasn't as mean as the last one, but he had some rather serious insanity illnesses in the head, and he beat us up if he hallucinated us as cops or mafia people."

"That's awful!" said Alice. Then she remembered Jasper and started crying emotionally on Esme's shoulder.

"Don't cry," said Bree. "I hate it when people feel sorry for me! ANYWAY... I was six years old, and was starting school. All the other first graders were so innocent and precious, and it confused me no end. I never made a friend, because I had nothing in common with any of them. So it went OK for a couple of years. I had quite a few half sisters now, by both step fathers. All of them girls, which annoyed my stepfather and he said it was because my mom was such a slut. I had to miss schools a bit, because when you live out in the sticks it's not uncommon to be mauled by wild animals. Luckily my mom was good with a needle, and stepdad had a book that showed where all the organ bits where supposed to sit. But in the end I missed too many days at school, and had to be taken away again."

"So did you get a good family now?" Esme asked hopefully.

"Are you dumb?" Bree exclaimed in shock. "I was shipped off to a military school for kids who failed their classes. It was OK, though. I was eight at this point and had learned to take care of myself. A lot of the other kids cried becaue they weren't used to be away from their family, or to be physically punished, or shot at. I had never owned a toy, and my stepdad had shot me a couple of times when he thought I was from the mental health care, so I fit into that life. Don't be impatient, Harry! We are getting to it!"

"I didn't say anything," said Harry, getting himself a glass of Scotch from Carlisle's home bar.

"You were looking at me like you were going to!" snapped Bree. "OK, so I was at the army school, and we trained really hard for 15 hours every day to be brave soldiers. When I was 12, the day we had been preparing for finally arrived. We left for Ugandistan on a huge green airplane."

"But that's HORRIBLE!" Dimitri exclaimed with disgust. "I was stationed there for a couple of years when I was in the army. That is no place for a child!"

"But I was not a regular child, remember?" said Bree impatiently. "I wish you would all stop interrupting my narrative with your unecessary emoting. Yes, it was horrible, but we were trained to cope. Being ruthless killing machines gave us more human value than I had ever experienced in my life before. Like, I didn't mind when the sargeant kicked me in the face and called me a bitchy whore. I knew it was nothing personal, unlike when everyone hated me before. So it was going well, and we were winning. But then there was this MASSIVE offensive from the enemy. We had to retreat, and unfortunately I stood too close to a bomb. I sort of got exploded a little, and didn't manage to run away with the rest of the troop. So I was taken prisoner and sent to a consentration camp. I managed to stitch myself together from earlier knowledge, and I was strong enough to withstand any and all torture they tried on me. But I don't want to go into details, because you all look a little too sensitive to be able to handle it like adults. Apart from Dimitri, maybe."

"Well, thanks," said Dimitri.

"So one night as I was strapped to the rack and slowly pulled apart," Bree explained, "I heard the guards talking about this 14-year-old girl they just couldn't break. They were talking about me, obviously. So they came into the torture chamber with this stranger. It was Vaughn, my father, but I didn't know that at the time. So he came in, and looked at me, and said drily 'Oh, but she has that from me.' So I was released from the camp and put into training to be an agent for the enemy. But I didn't want to, because I didn't like Dad. He had left me to rot as a baby. So I pretended to be brainwashed and all, to get them to trust me. And after a couple of years in training, I was ready to be released unto the unsuspecting free world. But I had already decided that I was going to betray them as soon as I got the chance. Not because you guys have ever done anything for me, obviously, but because since I can't get back at any of the other people who have made my life suck, I may as well make my revenge on my dad really epic."

"Excellent!" said Harry. "We are more than happy to have you on our team. I say we let you replace Nikki on our time travels. You have REAL fighting experience."

Nikki's heart fell out. She couldn't believe it!

"That's not fair!" Dimitri spoke up. "She has been a part of this team since the beginning. And it can't hurt to have another member."

"Allright then," said Harry. "She can infiltrate. Pretend to be one of the groupies."

"That's fair, I guess," Nikki replied. "Thank you for not kicking me out."

"Never mind," said Harry. "Go get ready, we have a concert in London to attend."


	16. Gothicality

Nikki took Dimitri's hand and walked into the sunshine outside. It was a really lovely day, and she was super exited about going to the concert. Since she had been replaced by that whiney Bree as the action girl in the ensemble, she was at least going to have fun. And her outfit was totally going to be sexy, just to spite Dad for not standing up for her. (He probably just didn't want her to get hurt, though. But she felt very rebellious teenager that day.)

As they walked down the path to her cottage, her smile faded as she saw Uncle Goober approach.

"I hear you've got a... specimen up there," he wheezed, and his face split in a creepy lunatic grin.

"If you mean Jasper, he's strictly off bounds!" Nikki said angrily. "His family won't let you get anywhere near him. Now scram!"

"Mind your own business, little Miss Snappy," Uncle Goober spat. "Spoiled little brat as you are. Have you told your boyfriend where you got your dogs from yet?"

"You can't experiment on humans!" Nikki shouted back. "Goodbye, crazy uncle. I'm not going to waste my breath talking to you!" She dragged Dimitri away from Uncle Goober.

"What did he mean about your dogs?" Dimitri asked worriedly. "You didn't buy them at a puppy mill, or anything?"

"I got them from a shelter," Nikki lied through her teeth. "Uncle Goober doesn't like that, because he thinks puppies are of better use in animal experiments."

"We all have an uncle like that," said Dimitri.

Alice was crying again. She was having a hard time getting used to all of Jasper's new tentacles, and his bulging brain. His new mouth was just a slit in the face like on a slug, and she nearly threw up when she thought about kissing him.

Peter came in and offered her a cup of tea. "You will learn to live with it," he said kindly. "Just like Bella has learned to live with the fact that her daughter is a lake monster. It will hurt a lot at first, and then you'll be proud of being part of a unique family."

"This is a bit different," sniffed Alice. "Nessie is adorable and playful. We can have fun with her, and the tourists love trying to take her picture. But people don't like Daleks. And I'm sure Jasper is evil now and doesn't love me anymore."

"But you must rember what your father said," Peter reminisced. "We must show Jasper that love and understanding conquers all. Daleks are supposed to be very smart, so I'm sure he'll understand."

"But I don't love him the way I used to!" Alice wailed. "I want him back to normal!"

Peter put his arm around her shoulder comfortingly. One thing lead to another and soon they were taking off each other's clothes. They got naked and did the gender plug-in.

Over at Nikki's house she was getting ready for the big concert later. She had put on a white summery dress that was inspired by Downton Abbey, but short enough to be sexy. It was gathered at the hips with a wowen belt that had the Scotland flag in rhinestones on the buckle. She wore fashion combat boots that had straps on them with silvery buckles and lots of retro bracelets made of small glass pearls. Then she did her make-up with smokey eyes (but not too dark since that's not right for summer), black eye-liner and pale pink lip gloss. She put silver rings in her ears, and used a parfume that smelled like lemon and Coca-cola.

The venue in London was huge. They'd had to build a new stage because there was none that was big enough for this concert. Potion For Passion was the greatest hit of all times. They had changed the line-up a little, since Vaughn wasn't very cute and not popular with the fans, so Harry Potter was playing the drums instead while Vaughn was conducting the symphony orchestra wich consisted of only goths and vampires.

Nikki mingled in with the screaming girls while Pearce (I'm gonna call him that to keep him apart from Harry) Dumbledore, Adam, Dad, Bree and Dimitri went up to the stage. Dumbledore had cast a confuscating spell so the band would not recognize them.

It was Edward who did all the talking on stage now, and the fans LOVED it. He sang more of his own compsed songs that made everyone cry.

"_Naked and cold I come to you_

_Hand you my impaled black heart_

_It's yours to keep_" sang Edward as everyone held up lighters like in the 90s.

His family had come to support. They had Jasper in a wheel chair and had disguised him as just a deformed family member. You could still see the tentacles if you knew they were there, though.

Bella also got to sing a couple of songs solo. She was wearing knee-high white boots (faux leather since she was vegetarian), black skinnies and a pink tunic with beads that she had got from . All the boys in the audience had come just to hear her sing. Her voice was sad and beautiful, and recalled otherworldly images of etherealness.

Lucas did an epical guitar solo that would have made Slash jealous. He looked really sexy in his tight black leather outfit that accentuated his muscularness. Towards the end of the concert he had to unzip his jacket because it got so hot on stage, and his tattoos now spelled PASSION FOR THE MUSIC in gothic black letters on his huge pecs. (FANGIRL MOMENT!)

Since nothing terroristly happened, Pearce had to allow them all to go to the party at London's coolest hotel. They had rented 3 enormous suites that had been gothed up for the occasion in scarlet, ebony and gold.

Nikki had a strawberry daquiry, and an amaretto sour and a rum and coke. But she didn't like rum so Dimitri had to finish it for her. She got the autographs of everyone in the band, so she could prove to everyone that she knew them. All the others were disguised as WIPs from the music press, but Nikki was beneath suspicion Pearce said.

She talked to the band and flirted with Lucas, who turned her down because she was too young. Not that she would cheat on Dimitri anyway, but he was currently disguised as a really fat EMO teen with a bad undercut and acne, and she wasn't supposed to be showing any interest in him in the first place. Not to blow their cover, etc. Then she flirted with Harry Potter, but Ginny arrived and nearly started fighting with her about it. So she had to tell Ginny that she was on their side and just pretending to be a groupie.

They had lots of ciders and shots and vodka with lemonade, and everyone got a little drunk. So they had to stay the night in the Tardis, because Pearce wasn't sure if he could find the way back home to Wednesday.

When they landed in the flower field the next morning everyone was a little partied out, so they decided to have a quiet debriefing meeting over a cup of tea. Dumbledure found a pensieve in his pocket and added some thoughts he had got from Lucas, Tom and Potter the day before.

"They still don't know anything!" sighed Pearce. "I'm sure the truth is out there somewhere, but he's taking his time."

Suddenly there was a knock on the Tardis, and Jacob came in with Bella's dad Charlie.

"I know how we can get them!" he said triumphantly. "All bands do drugs, right? And EMO bands do LOADS because they are always deprezzed."

"We have an order to drug test them all," said Charlie. "I'm very worried that Bella will get addicted to some illegal substances."

"Let's go!" said Pearce.


	17. The Drug Test

The Tardist spun around many a time, and they uncame from it in the loppy of the hotel where PFP were currently habitating. The band members were playing HALO in their jammies, except for Edward and Bella who were exploring orifices in a king size bedroom.

Emmett was being body guard and wouldn't let them in at first, because he didn't recognize them. But then Dumble lifted the charm, and he realized who they were. Charlie burst through the door flashing his police badger.

"We have received an anonymous tip off that there has been comitted illegal substance abuse among the band," he informated. "We have come here to drug test you all in the NAME OF THE LAW!"

"Oh but this must surely be a giant misunderstanding," said Vaughn slyly. He was a little miffed because Master Chief had just killed him and he had had come the shortest in the game.

"No, our source is very reliable!" snapped Charlie. "And because I'm in the police force I can do this if I want to!"

"I'm calling my lawyer!" growled Vaughn.

"No need for that," Tom assured him (he was in a good mood because he was winning), "They won't find any drugs on us."

Bella voluntared to go first. They put her on a sofa with lots of pillows under her head, so she wouldn't hurt herself when she passed out from seeing blood. Edward held her hand and stroked her hair all the time. As soon as they had a little of her blood, she was free to go, and they poured her a glass of soda to help her recover.

Then it was Edward's turn. He looked _nervous_, and Charlie was rubbing his hands with gLee.

"Uhhh, that needle you used on Bella..." Edward said lookin pail, "Is that the standard gauge?"

"Don't worry," said Charlie. "We're not going to use the same needle on you. That was the girl needle you see. You get the BOY NEEDLE!"

He held up a new syringe from his bag. Dude, it was like one of those needles you do really big piercings with. Edward yelped and bolted out of the door.

"Get him!" shouted Charlie, and Nikki, Dad, the Doctor and Charlie set off after him. They chased him all over the hotel, like through the disco, into the bar, down into the pool and through the kitchen. In the corridor outside the VIP lounge they finally caught him and tossed him on the floor. Charlie yanked his trousers down and exposed his sparkly white butt to the world. He plunged the huge needle into Edward's skin, and Edward screamed so loudly they all got permanently deaf for a few seconds.

When Charlie had a good pint of Edward's blood, they went back to the hotel room to test the others. Harry was next. They took blood from his arm with a regular needle.

"Why didn't HE get the boy needle?" Edward asked surly, rubbing his ass.

"Ha ha, you dumbass!" Ripper John laughed. "There is no such thing."

"WHAT?" Edward hollered in shock and rage. "Then what was that you just stabbed me with?"

"That was the rhino needle," Charlie said maliciously. "I bought it especially for YOU."

"The rest of us aren't vampires," explained Harry. "So he can use normal needles on us. Sucks to be you right now, Ed. But such is life."

When they had a sample of everyone's blood (Emmett didn't have to, because Charlie didn't have any more big needles), they took the Tardis to Dr Bullards lab and had the blood examinated. Inspector Barnaby (the _real_ one, because this is before he retired) and Ben Jones were there, and they went to the pub with them for a beer and a chat while the drug results got ready.

Barnaby and Jones were investigating a strange murder where a womanizing bartender had been drowned in vodka and they had found lots of lipstick in his intestines. It was a mystery.

When they went back to Dr Bullard, he was looking mad!

"I don't believe this!" he said. "I have seen nothing like this in my career! What sort of monster is this Edward Cullen?"

"He is some sort of vampire," Nikki explained.

"Well, I already knew that," replied Dr Bullard. "But I can see from the analysis what sort of animals he's been feeding on! And let me tell you, there is PANDA BLOOD in him!"

They all were silent with shock and disgust.

"That BASTARD!" they all exclaimed when they could find words again.

It also turned out that Vaughn had done heroin, weed, cocain, GHB, crack, chrystal meth, pot, smack, acid and grass, so they had evidence to arrest and interrogate him.

But the Tardis wouldn't start!

"Oh no!" said the Doctor. "We have to get them before they go off to France. I think this button here is stuck, we need to take off the panel and check what is jamming it!"

He got some sonic screwdrivers from a drawer, and started unlocking the top of the console in the middle of the room. Suddenly there was an intense flash of light, so bright that none of them had ever seen anything like it before. Even after the flash was over, the same light kept filling the room, and they all saw that it was emmanating from the Doctor. He was regenerating again!

"We all need to get out!" shouted Dad, and they wasted no time.

After a while the Doctor came stumbling out. He wasn't Harry Pearce any more, but had reverted back to the 10th Doctor.

"Well, this is surprising," he said matter-of-factly. "This has never happened before. I think it may be because I tampered with the space-time continuum to regenerate sixteen times."

"That sounds plausible," Dad agreed.

Suddenly there was a gasp from everyone present, as the same golden light started shining around NIKKI!

"She must have stood too close when that panel came off!" shouted the Doctor. "Everyone stay away from her!"

Nikki felt like she was inside the sun. It was so hot all around her and all she could see was the bright light. But it wasn't blinding her anymore, because she saw it not with her eyes but with her being. She could feel something change. And then suddenly... the light was gone.

"Nikki! Are you OKAY?" shouted Dad as he came running over to her.

"Yeah, I think so," said Nikki, checking that she still had all her limbs. "What happened?"

"You regenerated!" said the Doctor. "This means that you are a Time Lady now!"

"Oh, wow!" said Nikki amazed. "But... I'm still human, right? I still look like myself?"

"Yeah, kind of..." said the Doctor.

"What do you mean?" Nikki shouted. She still had her human form, so she knew she wasn't a Dalek at least. Then she realized what she was wearing!

She was dressed head to toe in a long, black velvet gown with lace and wine red trimmings. On her feet she had high lace-up boots and she wore long, black lace gloves on her arms. Her hair, which was suddenly longer than she remembered, was raven-black with ebony undertones.

"Oh my goodness!" she exclaimed in surprise. "Im a GOTH!"


	18. Regeneration X

Since the Tardis just wouldn't go, they had to rent a van to transport it back home. Dad had to drive most of the way because the Doctor didn't have a recent driver's licence, and Charlie didn't have for the left side of the road. Nikki drove when Dad got tired, they just put a learner sign on the car. She had practiced driving since she was 10, so she knew what she was doing.

They arrived late at night at a gas station in Loch Ness. Nikki went in to get some fish & chips and coke for the hungry travellers. As she walked up to the register to pay, she noticed a familiar face on the front of a newspaper. It was Jacob! He was looking sad and shirtless (to show off all the scars and bruises), and the huge red headline read "_Edward Cullen Did This To Me!_"

She tossed a copy of the paper onto the heap of merchandize and paid.

"Take a look at this!" she said as she entered the car again. "Edward is getting backlash."

"Yes, this was our back-up plan!" said Charlie smiling grinninly. "In case we didn't find drugs on Edward, Jacob was going to the papers with his story."

"But half of this is a pack of lies!" said Nikki, reading the article. "Edward didn't 'all but behead' Jake with a rusty Claymore. Neither did he plunge knitting pins into his eye balls. Oh, and listen to this: '_Edward strapped me to an old nail bed his family has in that creepy castle of theirs,' says Black. 'As I lay there, he made live vipers slither in through my nose.'_ "

"Well, our Jake has got a bit of an imagination," Charlie said apologetically.

"But why are you doing this?" Nikki asked. "It's more than bad enough that he's drunk panda blood if you want to discredit him, and that is at least true!"

"Don't you get it?" Charlie asked. "I want him away from my daughter. He's bad for her! I don't want her to become a vampire, but I know that my wishes mean nothing to her."

"But this isn't the way to do it!" said Nikki. Ever since she regenerated she could feel a more serious personality setting in. She looked pretty much the same as before, except for her hair, and her eyes that were now dark brown with a hint of violet. Maybe her nose and lips had changed a little too, but she couldn't quite put the finger on it.

Luckily her dogs recognized her, because dogs are smart like that. It was good to be home again.

The next day Dumbledore and the Sorting Hat came to see her, because they thought maybe this new incarnation of her had magic. After reading her head, the Hat found out that she didn't have the sort of magic Wizards had, but she had some powers that could do some of the same things. So she had to start going to school at Hogwarts to train to be better at it.

It was kind of funny that she had gotten something that Bella wanted really desperately. Bella might be living the rock and roll life on the road, but she would never get into _Hogwarts_. Dimitri said she looked really nice in the school uniform. He was taking the whole regeneration thing with his usual laidback attitude.

Nikki got sorted into Gryffindor, and Dumbledore asked Hermione to be her tutor and help her catch up on things. They were sitting in the great hall at lunch when Remus Lupin (A/N: He's kind of a cute young teacher in this) came in with a megaphone.

"Attention all students!" he said amplifiedly. "Tomorrow is Werewolf Theme Day, where you'll be learning about werewolves and raising werewolf awareness! Jacob Black is coming to give an appeal and tell his story!"

Everyone who wasn't in Slytherin cheered. The Slytherins booed because they were all PFP-fans, although most of them thought Ripper John was the coolest member instead of Edward. Nobody knew that Harry Potter was the drummer because he was disguised.

The next day the lessons started with a two-hour presentation of the history of werewolves and their culture, and the negative press they had gotten through the centuries. A lot of the crimes werewolves were blamed for were actually committed by pit bulls, who are a nasty, nasty breed. Some really cruel animaguses and shape-shifters had a pit bull as their animal form.

After the film, Lupin did a questions and answers round, and showed slides on how to tell the differences between werewolves, shape-shifter wolves, real wolves and dogs that just looked wolfish. Then it was time for lunch, and after that Jacob took the stage.

"We will not tolerate any derogatory comments during Jacob's speech!" Dumbledore said kindly.

Jacob told his entire life story. It was as boring as watching paint dry, because so far he was telling the truth. Draco Malfoy fell asleep in his chair and got detention. Then came the good stuff, where Jacob talked about meeting Bella, and his rivalry with Edward, and how Bella had chosen Edward and gone with him to Scotland.

"It is very important," said Jacob, "that in a day and age where the greatest idols of youth are perpetrating these intolerances, that we stand up and say '_Enough!_' It is difficult to take a stand against such a powerful role model as Edward Cullen from Potion For Passion, but you will be a better person for it!"

Then he took off his shirt to much cheering from the girls and much chagrin from the boys.

"What did he do? Slice himself with a razor?" Hermione asked. "He didn't have all those cuts when he was in the hospital wing."

"Yeah, I think so," Nikki replied. "What if Edward goes on stage and tells the whole world what Jacob did to _him_."

Hermione came home with Nikki after school, and they checked Youtube to see if anyone had uploaded Jacob's speech yet, or made a mocking parody song. But there was another video with a LOT more hits, called "Edward f***s" and uploaded by "QuileuteBlackwolf". It was only five seconds long, and it was impossible to see the face of the girl but they reckoned it was Bella. The video ended in a flash of green, and Edward shouting "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?".

"Charlie is not going to be pleased when he sees this!" Nikki concluded.


	19. Humiliation Apple Pie

The next day after shcool everyone were sitting in the Cullens' back yard having a barbecue with sausages and marshmallows. (A/N: This is alternative reality, so even the vampires can eat normal food. They just need to drink some blood too, so they don't get malnourished. But they can't starve to death, they just get really depressed.)

Nikki loved going to Hogwarts, it was the coolest school ever. She had made so many new friends she had never known before. Not that she hadn't been popular at her old school too (Loch Ness Comprehensive School - est. 1798), but she felt she fit in better at Hogwarts now that she had a gothic nature. She had began dressing in velvet and lace all the time, because came and olive green didn't feel like her true self anymore. It was too hot to wear black, though, since it was almost summer. So she wore dresses in scarlet and wine red with black and gold trimming. She looked really beautiful, and she was getting unwanted attentions of many boys at school, like Neville and Draco and Ron and Seamus. But they all knew they had no chance with her, because she loved Dimitri and only him for ever.

The hot topic (LOL! Like Hot Topic, where the EMO POSERES shop!) of the day was the video of Edward that had gone viral. Dumbledore had said that they were not allowed to discuss it at school for appropriate reasons. They were also adviced not to show fandom to PFP since it was a sensitive subject in school.

"Like, of course it is Bella in the video!" Mary Agnes said. "Who else could it be? I mean, Edward wasn't even popular before he was in PFP. Everyone just thought he was this weird EMO kid. He didn't have girls all over him like that."

Mary Agnes was being snappy because she was disappointed in Peter, whom she still liked, that he had latched onto yet another grieving woman. He was comforting Alice in her predicament of being dating a Dalek.

"But who did the filming?" Hermione asked. "I mean, he shouts that someone get out, so they didn't film themselves." Hermione always thought logically like that.

"DUH! It was JACOB!" Alice said indignantly. "Edward was telling the truth all the time. That disgusting furry deserved every punch he got! I'm so proud of my brother!"

Right then Jacob, Bree and Remus Lupin and an ugly dude came into the garden. They were carrying a banner with a full moon on it, and all of them wore T-shirts that said "I Hate PFP!" with a red X over Edward's face.

"We are starting a new band!" Jacob announced. "You have to be a werewolf to join, though. Anyone who feels like Coming Out of the Shack (That's like Closet for werewolves.)?"

"Why would we be in your loser band, you disgusting diaper-furry?" shouted Alice.

"No need for such harsh language, young lady!" Lupin admonished her reasonably. "We are forming our own Wolf Metal band, because we see that as the best chance we have of countering Edward and Potion For Passion's message of hatred."

"They are SO NOT a hate band!" Alice shrieked, and stomped over to where Jacon and the others stood. "If you even bothered to listen to any of their songs you would hear that they only sing about LOVE! And pain. But mostly about love!"

The ugly man growled and snarled, but Lupin held him back.

"Yeah, he's totally a man of love," Jacob sarcasticalled hysterically. "He only put me in a fu**** coma for three days! They had to search all over your living room for my kidneys!"

"Because you made that bloody video!" screamed Alice ragefully. "We KNOW it was YOU!"

Peter took her hand and led her away from the werewolves before there was bloodshed.

"Why is Bree with you anyway?" Nikki inquired to know. "She's a vampire."

"I was turned against my will!" Bree defended herself. "It happened when I was in the war in Ugandistan. I was only 14 years old, and I had been disembowelled by an enemy grenade trying to save a school for poor children from being blown up. This sargeant fella who was a vampire found me and thought it would be a waste to let such a good soldier die. So he changed me, and made me an even stronger fighter. That's how I didn't die in the prison camp. But it was the strength of my tragic upbringing that prevented me from losing my mind. I would have preferred to be a werewolf, though. That's so much more righteous!"

"Bree and I have hooked up," Jacob clarified. "Because we understand each other's pain. Our tragedies have been such a strong bonding reason."

Then they made out in French for five minutes to drive their point home.

"Anyway," said Lupin. "We must be going now. Greyback (that's the ugly one) needs to practice his drumming."

"Yeah, we have important stuff to do!" said Bree. And they all obscured out of sight.

Carlisle came out of the castly back door. "What is going on here, children?" he asked looking as clueless as ever.

"Jacob and his dumb friends came over with their teacher!" Alice grumped. "And they started putting down upon Edward, and saying they were gonna start their own band and be cooler and stuff."

"Oh but don't bother about them!" Carlisle comforted her. "They are jealous of Edward's immensely enviable provess. It is only to be expected when someone in your family becomes famous. Haters gonna be hating, sweetheart!" He smooched her on the cheek like a fatherly dad.

Esme came out with the deformed Jasper in a stroller. He was dressed in Shaun the Sheep jammies and had a dummy shoved into his sluggy mouth slit. On top of his portruding brain there was a frilly pink bonnet with plastic flowers.

"Alice, darling," she said sweetly, "It's time you take your baby for a walk."

"But moooooom!" Alice objected teenagerly, "He's YOUR adopted son!"

"Now he's yours," Esme retorted. "Peter will go with you."

Alice pouted down the garden path with the stroller, while Peter took their Golden Retriever (one of the rescue dogs) on the leash.

Then the 10th Doctor arrived. "Ahaaa, there you are!" he discovered. "Dimitri, Nikki, you need to get ready. PFP are having their much impatiently expected concert in Paris tonight, and since the Tardis is still in disorder we have to take a plane there."

"I could see if I can find out what's wrong with the Tardis," said Dimitri.

"You have never done something like that before," discredited the Doctor him downputtingly.

"I have defused neutrogen bombs," Dimitri explained. "A little time machine is going to be a piece of cake." Then he went to handywork.

Half an hour later the Tardis was in pieces, and Dimitri had identified the faulty part. The Doctor repaired it with his sonic screwdriver and drill, and soon they were ready to go to Paris in timely fashion.

Nikki was wearing a black, beaded dress like Lady Sybil, and she wore dark make up with classic red lipstick. It looked soooo pretty on her porcelain gothic complextion. Dimitri was still suntanned from being at sea, and wore a white sleeveless shirt and jeans.

The Doctor was in his regular tweed suit. He wasn't in the best of moods that night, because he and Ruth were struggling in their relationship AGAIN. Ruth wasn't sure she loved him the same way anymore now that he wasn't Harry. And she felt really bummed that Harry had kept YET another secret about his life from her, even after they had promised to finally be honest and she had even been murdered because of him in the original events of things. And the Doctor on his side was starting to miss Rose Taylor again.

Suddenly Dumbledore arrived with his wand drawn. "I'VE GOT YOU NOW, BARTY JUINIOR CROUTCH!" he hollered, and petrificused the Doctor totally.

"Nooooo, Dumbley!" shouted Dad. "That's just the Doctor."

"Oh, you are right," said Dumbledore, and ajusted his glasses. "Very sorry Doctor."

They got to Paris, and it was in a state of exeption. It was almost like when the Beatles came to America, only even more like that. They apparated into the crowd in their disguises. Bree had come with them, because the Doctor had said so when he was Harry. She wore her "PFP SUXX" shirt, (The Xs were like eyes, with a mouth with fangs and a tongue hanging out underneath.) but nobody could see it under the glamour.

"Your dad totally looks like Sir Richard from Downton!" Nikki observed as Vaughn were arranging the classical musicians in order.

"Don't call him my DAD, he's my spermdonor!" Bree hissed respondingly. "Not everyone has had the charmed upbringin YOU have."

"At least your uncle doesn't experiment on people and treat your family as renewable energy!" Nikki growled back.

"No, MY uncle treats them as his personal archery targets!" Bree said icily. "At least you have dropped your little soldier girl game for something that suits you better. There may still be hope that you may see yourself for what you are."

"Girls!" Dimitri whispered annoyedly. "Stop catting around, we need to keep our eyes on the stage here."

"What do you even see in that whiney EMO?" Bree queried with righteous airs.

"Stop hitting on my BF. You've got that creeper Jacob to keep you hot and bothered!" Nikki snarled.

Dimitri clamped his hands over each of their mouths, and told them to be quiet and focus on the operation they were currently conducting.

The concert was awesome, and after a few songs Nikki totally forgot that Bree was even present and stewing in her own misery a few feet away. Edward did his bat stage dive thing, and surfed around the screaming crowd like a swimming champion in a shark movie. His clothes got shredded off in the process, so Ripper John and Tom did a fascinatingly enchanting guitar instrumental while he put on a new outfit.

Harry juggled with his drumsticks, and set them on fire and stuff. It was impressive, but the truth was that one of the drumsticks was his wand and he was using it to create illutions. He made lions and tigers dance around on stage. And when he did a drum roll leading up to the climax of one of the epic songs, a phoenix flew up from the drum. The audience gasped in amazement. A shower of shining, electric flowers in shapes and colors so beautiful it hurt to look at started floating out into the air above the stadium.

"You can say what you want about Edward," said Nikki, "I love PFP for HARRY!"

"Jacob's band is going to be even better!" Bree said dreamingly. "Because he's got TALENT and can actually SING! And Lupin can totally make better pyrotechnics than that."

"But you're forgetting that Potion For Passion is actually OUR band," Dimitri reminded her. "All the members except Edward work for our cause against Vaughn. And Edward isn't against us, he's just clueless and loves being the center of attention."

"But they helping to get attention and support for a bad cause!" Bree ejected. "Our band will stand up for love, justice and tolerance without pretences!"

Suddenly there was a gasp through the audience as Edward froze up on stage. His visage acquired an agonized countenance, and his scintellating voice became a pained groan.

"What's going on?" Nikki whispered. "Is it Vaughn who's doing it?"

"I think so!" said Dimitri. "Let's GO!"

They fought their way up to the stage, and climbed underneath the magical barrier that was programmed to recognize them."

"FREEZE! WE'RE MI-5!" shouted Dimitri.

Edward was spazzing on the floor in absolute pain and suffering. Lucas (still dressed up as Ripper John) and Tom had seized Vaughn, and were holding his arms. Harry kept the audience in check with a calming spell.

"Edward, can you hear me?" Dimitri asked, checking Edward's pulse. "HELP! HE HAS NO PULSE!"

"HE'S A VAMPIRE YOU DUMBASS!" shouted Tom. "He's not supposed to have that!"

Edward got moaningly to his feet, and humped off stage leaning against a sobbing Bella. He left a trail of bricks from one of his trouser legs.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the concert is over!" Harry announced, and the audience started leaving the venue sadly.

"I think Edward will be OK," Harry said. "Just a bit of indigestion. But since we're all here, why don't we hit the night in Paris?"

"Good idea!" said everyone, and then they were off to a night on the town.


	20. Aftermath

The next morning Nikki woke up in a bathtub in a strange room she didn't recognize. Ginny was sleeping on an inflatable matress on the floor, and Harry was unconsciously hugging the porcelain phone. She tried not to step on anyone while she tiptoed out into an unfamiliar livingroom. Her Dad had crashed on one of the sofas, and Lucas on another. Under a table she found Tom. Dimitri had curled up around a potted orange tree. Vaughn was on a pool table, clutching an empty bottle of something French and intoxicating.

It began to dawn onto Nikki's befogged brain that they were in the hotel where PFP stayed during their visit to Paris. Edward had still been incapacitated with digestive trouble after the concert, so he had stayed behind at the hotel while Bella was tending to him tenderly in the master suite. The rest of the gang had enjoyed a rather fruity party in the bar.

The only other awake person was the Doctor, because he was a Tea Totalist in his 16th incarnation. (Though it was also his tenth, but he was a little bit different now from then.) Although he was no longer in charge of the operation, since "Harry Pearce" had died for the service, he was still very adament to see it through.

Suddenly there was a furious knock on the door. The Doctor went to open, and in came a very moody looking blonde lady in a black suit and shoes that had guns for the heels.

"Ros Myers," the Doctor said nervously. "I wasn't expecting you here."

"Do I know you?" she asked icily, contemplating the room. "What the fu**ing hell happened here? Where is Tom Quinn and Lucas North?"

"They are sleeping it off," explained the Doctor. "Listen Ros, I'm really sorry I never told you I was a Time Lord. I never meant to deceive the Service."

"Harry, is this you?" Ros inquired disbelievingly. "Have you had plastic surgery? Anyway, I've got orders to take over your ill-fated campaign. None of you bubbleheads have managed to produce any sort of result."

Then she marched in and started shaking everyone violently awake. Nikki decided she didn't want to get on this lady's bad side, so she made herself scarce. She rang up room service and ordered ten pots of coffee.

Bree hadn't even made it to the room. She had collapsed in the corridor, and there were footprints all over her. Nikki could tell that some of them were hers, because her boots had a very unusual sole pattern. It gave her a sense of satisfaction to see. She grabbed Bree by her ankles and dragged her into the hotel room. It couldn't be helped if she got a few rug burns, she couldn't just lie there and be of obstruction to people. Besides, she'd had plenty worse before.

Ros demanded that they took Vaughn prisoner on suspicion of terroricy (He was still asleep and didn't hear the conversation), but that made Edward very upset because they needed him to wave his conducting pin in front of the classical musicians. You can't have a symphonic metal band without symphony, because then you just end up with something that sounds like Nickelback. And Edward didn't like them very much.

So Ros went undercover as the band's new tour manager, since they didn't have any of those. The next destination was Rome. Aro had begged for a back stage pass since the Volturi were super fans of their depressing beauty. In return he was going to throw them an awesome VIP party.

But the Doctor had to travel back in time to tell Dumbledore what was going to not happen, and Nikki, Dad, Bree and Dimitri came with him in the Tardis.

They arrived back in Loch Ness on Wednesday afternoon the previous week. They had lost a few days when the Tardis broke down while they visited the Sunday after the London concert, and they had to drive back home. Nikki's blonde past self had just left in the past version of Tardis, never to return.

It was really strange to be back in a time where she didn't exist yet. They went to tell Dumbledore what had happened. He wanted to test Nikki for magic right away, but the Sorting Hat had a migrene, so he said he'd come by with it on Monday morning when she was due to return from her time travel in her current shape. Which was exactly what had happened, because Dumbledore had obviously been visited by their future selves already.

They also told him about Edward drinking blood from endangered animals, and Dumbledore said he'd do what he could to find out where they got their supply from so that the Pandas would be safe.

Now that Dumbledore had a few days to plan ahead, the rest of them had to go back to the next week again, so there wouldn't be two versions of them.

Home in the following week, Jacob and his new band were rocking noisily in Billy's garage. He had relocated his family and friends to Scotland so he could be closer to the action, and play an important part in the Werewolves' Rights Movement. Charlie had already moved there so he could keep an eye on Bella (But she didn't know that yet, because Charlie wanted to wait until she got back from the trip before she started chagrinning about him being around all the time again.), so Billy was cool with moving because he was BFFFFFFFs with Charlie.

When Nikki came home, Esme was scolding Alice because she had "forgot" Jasper at the mall when they took a shopping trip. Alice was really sad that her boyfriend was a Dalek, and she had tried to love him like it didn't matter, but in the end she realised that he just wasnt't the same Jasper anymore. He tried to exterminate her with pencils and spoons all the time, and all she wanted was to be with Peter and start a new life with their truck and dog.

Carlisle came home a couple of hours later, after picking Jasper up from the lost-and-found. His one yellow eye shot proverbially poisonous daggers at them from beneath the pink bonnet.

"How could you do such a thing to your own baby?" Carlisle disconcerted to her, shoving the writhing bundle of tentacles into her arms. "He's helpless without us. I'm most disheartened, disillutioned and dissatisfied with your actions. I cannot believe we share the same familial genetical components!" (Alice, Rosalie and Edward are his biololgical children. He's more than 23 in this story.)

Suddenly Uncle Goober surfaced in the garden. He had the usual toothy contortions on his face as always.

"Ah," he said slimily. "So this is the black sheep of the family?"

"Not the black sheep," said Esme. "She's just a little unprepared for owning a pet squid."

"I was talking about the 'baby'," Uncle Goober said, making finger movements to indicate that he knew extremely well it wasn't a baby or a pet. "I'll be more than happy to take this little family scandal off your hands."

"No way Hozé!" shouted Esme, and ran into the house crying. Uncle Goober shrugged and went on his way.

But Alice was waiting for him by the gate.

"I know you are a famous scientist," she said. "Can you fix Jasper and bring him back to what he was like before he Daleked?"

"But of course I can!" Uncle Goober communicated with conjecture. "I would have to take him with me home, though. And keep him in a cage and preform many dangerous and painful experiments on him. It's all a part of science, you know. You need to really get _inside_ those molecules, and that usually means having to disassemble the subject a little."

"Yeah, enough allright!" said Alice in abomination. "You don't need to tell me the exact proceedings. I'll bring him over tomorrow, and then you can see what you can do. We have to take a few chances for science..."

"Excellent!" said Uncle Goober and rubbed his hands malevolently.


	21. The Nothing I've Become

It was early morning in the Cullen home. Since vampires don't need to sleep, all the kids were up and playing all night. Alice was sulking in the TV den and playing X-box. She idealed old games like Legend of Zelda and Final Fantasy X, although Edward always said the graphics sucked. He had a... let's just say the oposite of_ soft _spot for Rikku, though.

Alice identified mostly with Tifa because she looked almost exactly like her, just more human without animé eyes. (In the film when she looks very real.)

"Alice, honey," Esme called from the kitchen where she was making omelett and apple pancakes for breakfast. "Have you got any plans today?"

"Um, not really," Alice lied. "Maybe going to the beach with Mary Agnes and Mariel. (Nikki had began to go by her middle name now that she had a personality change.)"

"That's very family friendly," said Esme glowing positively. "You're taking Jasper with you, of course."

"Um... sure," said Alice untruthfully. She had really hoped she wouldn't have to babysit the disagreeable Dalek. But then she remembered that Mariel's uncle could help him get back to normal. She went back to playing her game for two hours under her fuzzy mint green comfort blanket.

Why did her life have to suck so much? Why did they have to come here, of all places. If they had gone to Hawaii like she had suggested, then Jasper would still be himself! She could have been walking hand in hand down a scenic beach with the boy she loved, and watched the sun rise above the ocean. But nooooooooooooo. Instead she was alone and miserable in a draughty old castle in a foggy village in Scotland, while the love of her life had become hideous and hated her with every tentacle of his being.

"Alice, darling?" Esme called again a couple of hours later. "Please come and help me get Jasper ready for the stroll."

"Can't you manage on your own?" Alice asked. She was still looking for the Ocarina of Time, and she had to shoot a lot of dragons that wee everywhere, and she was having a really hard time finding carrots for her Unicorn.

"You know how Jasper doesn't do mornings," Esme complained.

They went into Japser's new nursery that was decorated with UFOs and dinosaurs. Jasper wasa sleeping in a cot that Esme had gotten him so he wouldn't slither out of bed as much. Carlisle had accidentally stepped on him a couple of times when Jasper had been lying around on the floor. And stepping barefoot into a Dalek is a very gross sensation.

"Good morning, sunshine!" Esme beamed and opened the windows to let some fresh air in. Jasper squeaked angrily and his tentacles were flailing all over the place.

"Mommy Alice is going to take you to the beach!" Esme cooed. "Isn't that going to be fun, snoogey?" She placed Jasper on a changing table, and Alice started to cry because she wanted to raise a REAL babby!

"What do you want to wear, hunnypumkin?" Esme asked, showing Jasper several adorable baby clothes. Jasper replied by spitting his dummy in her face.

"Don't be naughty!" Esme warned him, "Or you get milk in your bottle instead of juice!"

When Jasper was dressed and ready, Esme wiped Alice's crying face with a handkerchief.

"There, there. Stop crying," she admonished. "This is your family life now, and you have to learn to handle it like everyone else."

Alice had to go alone down to the McCray farm, because Peter wouldn't have agreed to letting Uncle Goober take Jasper. She brought along her dog for company instead. He was growling and cowering because dogs hated Jasper. Holding the leash with one hand and pushing the stroller with the other, she dreamt about a future where her boyfriend was brought back to her. She loved Peter, but she loved Jasper more. Human Jasper, at least.

Uncle Goober was eating breakfast (raw frog, scrambled eggs with sting nettle and rowanberry soup) outside of his shed. The family had erected a tall, electrified fence around it, but Uncle Goober had long cracked the code on the lock.

"Ahaaaa, there you are!" he said through a mouthful of frog. Bits of intestines stuck on his sharp, spikey teeth. "I thought you had chickened out."

"My mama raised me to keep my promises," Alice said proudly. "You may be mad as a hatter, but you are the only one who can help Jasper. Here he is, all yours." She handed the squirming bunch of appendages over, and ran away as fast as her legs could carry her, with the dog in her arms.

While Alice was betraying her family and helping the advancement of science, Dumbledore was discussing future courses of action with his little group of time travellers and the Doctor.

"The next concert is in Rome, and the Volturi will have the VIP seats," he reminded them. "This means that whatever terrible deed Vaughn and Snape have planned, it is likely to take place there, and the Volturi may be involved. We must be prepared for anything. Snape is very skilled in the dark arts and with a katana."

"I suggest Mariel doesn't come!" Bree said with importance. "If she had still been Nikki she might have been remotely useful with her gun, but now she just isn't a warrior."

Mariel felt depressed.

"She can still be useful," said Dumbledore. "Although she isn't a witch, she has powers that resemble magic, and she can use a wand, and has learned how to cast a shield."

"All time Lords and Ladies have those powers," the Doctor explained. "And it's more versatile than being a campire or a wherewolf."

This made Mariel feel happier, and she was proud that Dumbledore stood up for her in front of Bree. But Bree wasn't paying attention anymore, because she was making out with Jacob.

Suddenly there was a flash of light and a rush of air, and someone apparatted into the room.

"My goodness!" said Dumbledore. "Severus Snape?"


	22. Wake Me Up Inside

"What are you doing here, Snape?" hissed Jacob. "You filthy bat!"

"I'm not a vampire, you dunceful moronic dumbass," Snape retorted coldly. "I have been under cover as a member of the orchestra all along, and I'm not at all impressed by your detectiving force. You have been barking up the wrong tree all along. Vaughn Edwards may be a slick mongrel, but it was not him who blew up that nuclear plant!"

"Then who was it?" Dumbledore demanded inquiringly.

Snape facepalmed like Captain Picard did on Star Trek. (You've probably seen the picture.)

"It was of course Luciano Malfoy!" he explained. "He's at mafia wars with the Volturi, because he dislikes vampire half-beings."

Everyone gasped in surprise.

"There was never a power station here," said Snape. "Malfoy exploded an Unforgiveble Bomb (U-Bomb). It was what turned all the animals and Jasper to mutants."

"But that's horrible!" said Mariel sadly. "All those poor animals! Why would Mr. Malfoy have a war against animals who can't even use magic against him?"

"It was a test run," Snape stated drily. "The real thing will probably happen at the concert in Rome, when all the Volturi are there."

They all scratched their heads and racked their brains for ideas.

"We can put up a counter-charm that takes the effect out of it," said Dumbledore. "But we need to catch him in the act if we're going to prosecute him for his disgusting intentions."

"Why don't we just let it happen?" Jacob suggested. "The Volturi are disgusting Italian vermin. It would suit them well. And we'll get rid of Edward at the same time!"

"Careful, sunhine!" said the Doctor with icecubes. "Our friends will be at the stage with him."

"We can just call them off," Jacob suggested. "It's Eddikins all the braindead battyboos are fawning over anyway. Vaughn will just hire replacement musicians."

"Not going to happen," said the Doctor, and that was it. "I think Ros will want to know about this. Dimitri, you can tell her."

Dimitri got a look on his face like a puppy someone had kicked for peeing on some flowers.

Jacob was angry because they didn't listen to him, so he took Bree with him to go and reherse with their band. They weren't going to waste time playing in puny Europe, where vampires had more rights than werewolved. So they were going to have their tour in America instead. Their band was called MeGaTroN, and they sang about the glorious, free life of a wolf.

Meanwhile, Alice was getting the third degree at home because she had returned without Jasper. She told them that the Daleks had returned to take him, and that she had been so scared she had just run away. Esme was crying and crying, and Carlisle was howling in grief and sorrow. Alice felt really bad for what she had done, and decided to go and get Jasper back. But just as she walked through the garden, Peter came home in his truck and Mickie jumped out and came running happily towards her because there were no Daleks to be scared of any more. She couldn't do that to her faithful puppy.

Bella was really bored on the bus in Italy. She couldn't believe that they didn't use a plane now that they were the most famous idols in the world. Edward was snoozing in the next seat with his face covered in cucumber. She started reading the newspaper, and then she SCREAMED!

"What?!" Harry asked. "Something wrong?"

"THAT BASTARD!" Bella cried like mount Vesuvious, which was passing by outside the window just then.

"What bastard?" Harry said confumblinly, "You mean Jacob?"

"Of course I mean Jacob, you Jigglypuff!" Bella extorted. "Look what's in the paper!"

Harry started reading the news that were in the news paper. "'_Edward Cullen drinks Panda blood_'?" he read in surprise. "How did the newspaper find out that? Beside, Dumbledore was going to make sure that never happened, so now it probably isn't even true anymore."

"But there is more!" Bella wept sadly.

"Oh, right," said Harry. "_Cullen (109), who is best known as the sexy lead singer of the Gothic band Potion For Passion, is also known to have griwvously injured Werewolf Rights activist Jacom Black, who needed 25 major surgeries to recover._' Hey, that's not true! McGonagle just waved her wand a couple of times!"

"He's trying to discredit us for the fans!" Bella sniffled. "It hurts that he can make up such lies about Edward, who's such a good role model!"

"Hoooo boi!" said Harry. "Listen to this! '_Lately there has been a lot of speculation about who is the mysterious girl he has sex with in a private recording that has found its way online._'"

"That filthy, disgusting pedofurry was filming us!" Bella wailed. "That's why Edward beat him up!"

"Oh, right," said Harry. "Yeah, I was there. But I though he had just spied on you guys screwing. Is the film really online? Tom, we need to borrow your laptop for a sec!"

Harry went on Youtube, and on the front page were three different uploads of the video, with the preview showing Edward's enraged face ready to kill a bitch. He clicked on the video, and they couldn't see Bella's face because her head was out of the picture, but it had to be her.

"We need to counter this," said Tom in his serious manner. "Edward will have to go to the press and tell the world what Jacob has done, and that he's only been acting in self defense."

"And admit that the video is real?" Bella squeaked. "I'll never be able to show myself again!"

"We have to," said Tom. "Else Jacob can just say that you filmed yourselves, and leaked the video to frame him and excuse the violent bashing he got."

"Oy, Edward!" said Harry, beating him over the head with a coke bottle until he woke up. (Vamps are heavy sleepers.) "Call the press, you need to make an interview."

At the same time back in Scotland, Megatron were rocking the roof off the garage. They were getting the hang of it. Bree wasn't a werewolf, but she was allowed to be in the band since she did good on synthesixer and they needed a girl and Leah said no because Sam was in it.

"That was really awesome, guys!" Jacob swaid proudly. "How about we give those pedopires a surprise in Rome, eh?" he asked Canadianly.

"YESSSSS!" screameed Megratron!


	23. Demolition Lovers

Edward was lying in the bathtub in the Roman hotel. He was bored and whorny because Bella had her periode. Edward loved playing "driving the fire truck", but Bella wasn't up for it since it would mess up the bed which was pubic property. She was scared that more stuff about them would come on the internet. He really wished that Bella would just hurry up and become a vampire sometimes, since he had a fetish for cold, hard orifices. Speaking of which, the tap above the bath tub appared to be appropriate size...

Suddenly the door started knocking.

"Edward, are you done soon?" Harry asked. "Some of us still have functional bladders."

"Nooooohh," Edward moaned. "I've got a veeeery resistant speck of dirt on my baahhhhck."

"You OK?" Harry asked, "Sounds like you're in pain."

"What? No," Edward replied. "Just getting scrubbed down. Oh yeah... that's the spot..."

"I'm coming in," said Harry. "Look, I've had twelve cans of redbull and they want out."

"No!" said Edward. "Use the girls' bathroom!"

"Alohomora!" shouted Harry, and the door flung open to reveal Edward Cullen with his dick up the faucet.

"I don't fucking believe this!" Harry said in chagrin. "We have a really important concert to reherse for, and all you think of is pleasing your own willywonka. Now GTFO!"

Edward looked at Harry like Ò.Ó and moved towards strangulation upon him, but then he got all :S :S :S :S :S :S !

"I'm stuck!" he squeaked in astronaut.

No matter what spell Harry tried, Edward remained conjoined to the hotel's plumbing with his own. They tried to get the tap out of the wall, but it was bricked in. What were they going to do?

"I see only one solution," said Ros, tapping her foot impatiently. "We need to be in Rome tonight to avert a terror attack with a U-bomb, so we'll just have to cut it off."

Edward looked horrified like they had just told him he had to do a rootcanal.

"Don't worry," said Harry. "You can put it back on later. We'll come back here and melt down the tap after the concert."

Tom got a hacksaw from the spy van and they went to work.

When Mariel and the time travellers arrived in Rome that evening, it was Harry who was singing lead. The fans were booing and hooting and demanding to know where Edward was. Thousands of girls were crying in disappointment that they didn't get to see their sex symblob, and instead had to settle for a skinny geek with glasses.

"I don't get it," Mariel said honestly, "Harry's not even a good singer. Why did they promote him to the new face of the band?"

"Oh I don't know," said Bree sarcastically. "Maybe it's because he... DOESN'T DRINK PANDAS AND BEAT UP INNOCENT PEOPLE?!"

"But he sucks," Mariel protested.

But then all of vooice shouted suddenly, "LET'S ROCK!" and large deck was happening in front of the stage to MeGaToN. Jacob was wearing skin tight pants with rivets, and the muscle is Cu Chulainn bulging mannily era when he tore a guitar. Back Grey to pummeling the drums was an animal grey was. Lupin took the synthesizer as a boss.

"Stop them are werewolves!" Aro diaphragmed.

Alec and Jane jumped up and started shooting crushio members lavalla. Yhtyeen fallen and spazzed around like a goldfish in a living room floor. "Ahghgagghaggaghghaahhgh!" they complained.

"Stop them!" Bree said sobbingly, "They are killing Jacob!"

"You stop them, Miss Elite Soldier," Mariel hissed. "We're just useless emos and wannabees, rember?"

"AAAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Aro cackled despotically. "Look at them flop around. Not so tough and "majestic" now, are they? Sarah Palin should have seen this! Bloody wolfaboos, I spit on you! PTOOIIII!"

It was a terrible situation. None of the travelers time knew what to do, because someone was holding a Volturi guard plate, which was unable to break down. Bree and crying pitifully to the Doctor.

All of a sudden was a flash of light across the room, and Luciano Malfoy came running thriough disgusting the audience his mobster gun and pimp cane. He smiled, as Paulie in strip clubs, and started shooting silver bullets and the Vulture Aro.

The force field fell, and there was Luciona Molfay with a silver orb in his grubby inbred hands clutchingly. It was the U-bomb!

"HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" he giggled masculinely.

"Oh fuck!" said the doctor.

Suddenly Mariel had an illuson of the queen of Elves. She was dancing with the unicorns. "U have the powers!" she said.

Mariel suddenly realized that she could stop the fight. She took her wand out of her pocket and shouted "ACCIO BOOMB!"

The orb flew over the room and made colours come in the air.

"Ha ha, seems the tables have turned!" she laughed triumphantly.

"Noooooooooooo!" said Malfoeyay.

"Seize him!" demanded Ros Myers, and they all jumped on Malfoy. The smoking remembnants of Aro were smoldering in the VIP sofa.

"I hope we won't have to pay for this," said Harry.

Mariel handed the bomb to Dimitri for disfusion. She walked around the rumble that had been the stadium to ssee if anyone human was injured. But they had ran away when Aro tribulated the wolf band.

Lupin and Greyback were getting to their feet and dusting themself off, but Jacob was comatose again.

Dumbledore came into the place. "Good job," he said. "We got that gangster one and for all. Mission achieved, and we can all go home."

Then they all went home.


	24. I Brought You My Bullets

Everyone were back in Scotland again. Jacob was in the Hogwarts hospital again, and PFP had to cancel their tour since Edward had "lost his voice", which he actually had. He sounded just like a 5-year-old girl. Nobody knew he was an eunuch, because then he'd have to tell them he'd tried to fuck a pipe, and that was too embarassing.

"You could always change to opera," Harry suggested helpfully.

Ros came barging into the room. Her pistol-shoes clackred authoratively on the stone floor.

"You guys better get back to that hotel in Rome and remove you-know-what before someone notices," she gave an order.

Mariel, Dimitri and Harry went outside to apparate back to the hotel. They found the bathroom again, but the taps were gone! There was inly a hole in the wall where it had been.

"Oh no!" they groaned in union, "Someone has taken it!"

"Edward's gonna be soooo pissed," said Harry.

They found Guido the hotel care taker, who told them that Luigi the plumber had taken the taps to his workshop, because it had been blocked. And since it was very old antique plumbing, he had to make an exact replica if he couldn't fix it.

So they set out for Luigi's workshop. Dimitri rented a car, and they drove down to the south of Italy.

"This is the weirdest mission I've ever been on!" Dimitri complained. "This kind of thing never happened in the army!"

After many hours they came to the factory, and went inside. Luigi was watching Vampire Diarres on TV in the back room.

"We need to have the tap you removed from Hotel Casanova," Dimitri said, flashing his MI5 badge.

Luigi went red in the face. "Mamma Mia, I'm soooo sorry!" he said. "I'va sold it ona the E-bay! It wasa really old anda valuable froma the Roman Empira!"

"What?" they all gasped. "How could you do that?"

Luigi shrugged. "Needa the monney. Time bad for a business. Fucka the economy!"

"Yes, we know," said Dimitri. "Well, do you at least remember who bought it?"

"Yes," said Luigi. "I gotta written down. It wasa Jules Siviter, for his holiday house."

"Oh crap!" said Dimitri. "Jules is the boss of MI6. He hates us guys on purpose."

"We can let Adam handle it from here," Mariel suggested.

"Arrividerci!" said Luigi

So they went back home and told Edward "sorry mate", and went over to Harry's place to hang out. He had moved out from Hogwarts since he was graduated, and now he lived with Sirius. That had been really cool and bonding experience and all, like finally having a home life, until Jacob had been shipped there after his first coma. Whenever he wasn't moping over Bella choosing Edward, he had been trying to prove that he was closer to Sirius than Harry was, since they were cousins and could turn into dogs and all. Then Billy had moved in next door, but his house was too small, so Jacob had to stay with them.

Mariel went online to check if she had ant new comments on her stories. She was writing fanfiction for Percy Jackson and Hunger Games, and she had been writing one that was actually the truth about what had happened to them lately, but she used characters from the stories in their place. It got flamed by a lot of morons who left comments like "To say that this sucks would be an understatement," and "Wow, you just crossed the line!" and "Your story sucks balls and makes no sense!" Well, duh! It was based on real life, which very often doesnt't seem to make any, because you can't see the whole picture at once!

As she expected, there was lots of hate waiting for her. There was also a new video manipulation of Edward going around, where somebody called "BadBeliefDragon" had photoshopped a panda into the sex video instead of Bella. It was totally meant to shame Edward, but it had lots of positive comments from fucking FURRIES who thought it was really hot!

"I give up on humans!" said Harry. "I'm so sick of both Edward and Jacob, they are both major attention whores! Let's have a party now that they are away for some time!"

Then he texted Ron, Hermione, Neville, Dumbledore, McGee and Lupin and Tonks to come over.


	25. The pros and cons of breathing

A week passed in relative peace, and things seemed to be getting back to normal. School was out for the summer, so Hermione, Ron, Ginny and Neville all moved into Sirius' place. (He had sold the house in London and bought a mansion in the village.) The gang had fun every day, and tried to forget about the whole catastrophic European Tour. Then Jacob woke up and was shipped home to live with them again. And the fun was over.

Edward had turned emo, and had dyed his hair black with neon rainbow streaks, and was writing sad poetry all night. Bella didn't understand why he wasn't in love with her anymore. The family didn't pay him much attention, because they were still so upset about Jasper, so he got to enjoy his loneliness and tried to cut, but the knifes just kept breaking.

Dumbledore called them all to a meeting in the Tardis, and explained the situation.

"We have apprehended the culprit," he nuanced, "but we still haven't gotten to the bottom of the mystery. What is Vaughn's evil plan, and how is he going to achieve it without Edward?"

"I think my biological father is aiming for world dominance," said Bree. "He almost had it, didn't he? Everyone loved PFP, so there must have been some sort of hypno in their songs."

"That sounds plausible," said Adam.

"So what do we do next," Harry asked.

"I've called in an expert," said Adam.

Suddenly MacGyver came in the door. He looked like he did in the 80's so he was clearly time traveling. His mullet was righteous, and he wore an ugly leather jacket and pimp sunglasses.

"Listen up, losers," said MacGyver. "Things are gonna be changing round here. I've been up agains real enemies, and I know what I'm talking about. So y'all must do as I say, and we will have those mofos' asses handed to them. We gotta work together here, and show no hesitance, you diggin' it?"

They all looked at MacGyver like "WTF".

MacGyver ripped off his sunglasses in a dramatic motion, and gave them the dramatic "Modern Talking" look. (Because he came straight from the 80s, and he thought pop culture was the ultimate expression of thought freedom.)

"I have conciderable knowledge of how the despots try to contaminate our minds and hate liberty," MacGyver explained. "I've seen it in schools and prisons and asylums and camps. The virtues of ancient Rome live among us. There are sharks in the paddling pool. Elvis has left the building and the wolved howl at the moon."

"So what exactly do we do?" Nikki asked.

"We gotta KILL EM!" MacGyver hooted. "Everyone to the stations! Man the tanks!"

"But we don't have any..." Harry protsted.

Nikki grabbed his arm. "Just do as he says," she whispered as she dragged Harry out of the room.

Meanwhile, Alice was having cold shoes about her relationshop with Peter. She loved him a lot, but more like a friend. But she loved Jasper like the flowers love the sun. Hopefully he'd be back to his old self soon.

Peter was sad, and felt shut out. He went walking sadly around the lake, when he met Bella sitting alone and lonesome, forlorn on a rock.

"What is wrong, Bella," he asked with sensitivity. "Has Edward been mean to you?"

"No," said Bella crying. "He's just been so cold and distant since he lost his voice. I don't get it."

"It's okah," said Peter, rubbing her back caressingly. "You'll work it out."

Suddenly she kissed him. They fell off the rock and into the wild shrubbery below. Before they knew it they were naked and DOING it.

"Oh, Bella!" gasped Peter.

"Oh, Peter!" gasped Bella.

Nessie saw her Mom cheating on her Dad, and started crying sadly. Then she swam away, heading for the wide ocean to find her own kind.

In his room, Edward was smoking weed and painting gruesome scenes of torture and heartache on the walls. He'd bought a diamond drill online, and with that he gave himself body piercings that were symbols of his emasculation. He was hoping that in 300 years, the artworld would understand the subtle references, and appreciate his pain.

He hated Tom Quinn with all his vengeful heart.


	26. Question of Questionable Transit

Edward was pinting when Esme came bursting into his mancave.

"Oh what a lovely picture, darling," she praised. "What does it mean?"

"This," said Edward, pointing at a muscular He-man with a sword, "is me. And this," pointing to a heap of raw meat on the ground, "is Jacob. And this," pointing at a head on a stake, "is Tom. And this is Bella!" Bella was dressed in a silver bikini and looking adoringly at Edward.

"It's beautiful!" said Esme. "You should take up painting professionally!"

"Yeah, I should," said Edward.

Meanwhile MacGyver was building a jet plane from pet food tins and chewing gum.

"I don't trust the man!" said Harry. "I think he's done crack or something."

"Don't talk about MacGyver like that!" said Adam. "He's the best and only of his kind."

"Yeah, well, he seems to know what he's doing," said Dimitri. "Let's go man the stations, or what the fuck it was he said we should do."

"I need to check in on my sister," said Mariel. "She's not very responsible in looking after herself."

They all headed to Mariel's cabin, but Moira was not there. On the kitchen table there was a note saying:

"Keep the lights yöllä. Vihollinen know our website: Birds can land at the airport. Look for the crocodile kylvyssä in the bathtub, several miles of acreage ahead. Continued I have no mercy. Try automatic translation new browser, Uncle Johnny in the mashed potatoes, please fill out the car before returning fuel."

"The f*** does it mean?" Harry asked, scratching his head like a polyfrog.

"Who wrote it?" Mariel asked.

"It's some sort of code," said Dimitri. "We better take it to Ruth, she's the expert on translation."

They got to the Tardis, but Ruth and the Doctor was having a fight, and were throwing things at each other. The Doctor grabbed a wooden spoon and flung a glob of jam at Ruth, wich hit her in the face. She reached for a carpet beater and chased the Doctor while trashing everything she could hit.

"He's pushed her buttons again," said Dimitri. "Kinda knew this would happen."

"We'll come back some other day," said Mariel, and dragged the two boys away.

So they went home to chill in front of the TV and watch a fun and mindnumbing action flick, but no rest for the wicked. In front of the castle MacGyver was throwing a fit, and he had a gun made from rusty nails and baking soda with which he was threatening Jacob and Ron. He forced them into the plane, and took off while giving them all the one-finger salute and blasting the Empire Anthem on the stereo.

"Crap! You were right, Harry!" said Mariel.

"I can't believe it!" said Bree. "He must be working for my biologically old man! We have gotta save Jacob!"

Everyone borrowed the Cullens' orphanage bus and headed to the Tardis. But the doctor had accidentally knocked himself out cold when he slipped in the sticky jam.

"We can't waste any time waiting for him to wake up," said Dad. "MacGyver will have those boys brainwashed and loony if we do. Who else can possibly drive this thing."

"I could try," said Dimitri.

"ACCIO DUMBLEDORE", shouted Harry, and Dumbledore landed on a kitchen chair.

"MacMullet has taken Ron prisoner!" said Harry. "And the doctor is unconsciencious. You need to drive the Tardis and get him!"

"Here goes nothing," said Dumbledore and pulled the lever. They spun of like a whirlpool of gravitational rotation, and landed some other place.

They were in a dark, creepy castle that was not Hogwarts. And it was not Azkaban, because there were less prisoners. In fact there were really few people about. Actually, they were the only ones there.

The gang now consisted of Dumbledore, Nikki, Dad, Harry, Dimitri, Ruth, Mariel, Hermione, Lucas, Bree and the unconscious Doctor (who they left in the Tardis with a frozen chicken on his brain to cure any possible concussion).

"This reminds me of when I was in Hulgeria," said Bree. "We were storming an inpenetratable fort, and when we camo inside, it was all empty. Or so we thought. But that story is to scary to tell when there are children around."

"I'm older than you!" said Mariel. (Bree is actually 16 too, but she looks 14 because that's when she vampired.)

"Mentally you're 12!" said Bree, "While I've seen enough pain and suffering for several life times. My age can not be measured in years."

"Oh shut it, Bree Cheese!" Mariel hissed. "We don't even know that you're not just a liar, like your BF!"

Bree shrieked in angry and jumped at Mariel. They got into a cat fight, and Bree was stronger because she was a vampire, but Mariel could use her wand so she had the upper hand. She put a body-lock on Bree, who couldn't move anything but her eyes.

"Was that really necessary?" Dimitri asked, as he picked Bree up and carried her along.

"Ask her!" said Nikki angrily. "She's always picking on me for no raisin. She can be glad I didn't transfigure her!"

"Be quiet, will you?" Lucas said sternly. "Strange creepy castles are not for fighting!"

All of the suddenly a door opened in front of them, and a familiar face was revealed.

"Oh no!" gasped Neville. "Professor Snape!"


	27. Bleeding Love

Professor Snape was standing in the door in a long, black cloak with red trimming. His hair was gelled back and his eyes were yellow. This was the vampire version of Professor Snake from the future, and he didn't look pleased.

"What are you doing with a lot of Muggles in my fortress of doom?" He asked draculishly.

"We need to know if you've seen MacGyver," Mariel explained. "He's an American timetraveller from 1987, and he's taken Ron and Jacob."

"Oh yes, I remember," Snape said sourly. "You rescued them from his secret base in Loch Couihgeroilkusknyte."

"Oh no!" said Harry. "I'm not going there! That place is full of monsters!"

"Yes you are," predicted future Snape. "And BTW, bring this to my past self at Hogwarts."

He gave them a DVD in a blank cover. It said "Edward and Vaughn" written on it.  
"Aha, so this is where it came from!" Dombledore eurekaed.

"Do you know what my old biological man is up to?" Bree asked.

"I'm still working on discovering that," said Snapire. "I'll come back to the past to tell you when I discover anything useful."

"Um, OK, thank you," said Harry and they went to the tardis.

Loch Couihgeroilkusknyte was horrible. The bottom of the valley was filled with black sticky water that bubbled and slurped. The trees were naked and gnarled, covered in cobwebs. Horrible stone statues of monstrous animals and monsters were placed everywhere. They had a feeling something horrible was lurking in the mist.

Suddenly they stepped on a trap door and fell down a tube. They landed in a heap in MacGyvers basement, where he kept lots of dreadful creatures in cages. There were lots of shelves on the walls with big jars and tubes filled with green goo and pieces of thing and Mr Filtch's head in a fish tank.

Dumbledore Aloklahoma'd the door to the next rome, and they found Ash and Misty frozen in blocks of ice. They turned up the room temperature so they could melt out, then they ran into the darkness. Mariel had the ability to see in the dark, so she led the way so they didn't fall into any of the traps. Bree nearly fell into Mac's shark aquarium, but Dumbledore Accioed her.

At the end of the hall was a door with a sign that said "Secret Headquarters". They bust it down to reveal MacGyver hypnoticing Ron. His eyes were spinning around like mix-masters and flashing funny colours.

They all started fighting with MacGyver, but he was a powerful Wuzard because he had gotten powers from Ganondorf for sexual favours. He spammed fireballs out of his eyes and could shoot lazers from his fingers, and his toenails were retractable knives.

Harry Accioed Godric's sword, and cut off MacGyver's legs. Mac fell on the floor and bled outporingly, but then he grew wings and began to mess with their heads. Dad took his fire-gun and burned off his mullet so he only had a combover left. Then he burned off his arms to stop him from slicing them up with his lightsabers. Harry split him open with the sword, and his intestines and lungs fell out. Nikki plunged her wand into his eye, and Dumbledore stuck a legolas knife into the other and nailed MacGyver to the wall. Dimitri shot him fifty times in the head, and he died from death.

"Phew that was hard work!" said Harry. "I need a fucking drink!"

He tore open Mac's fridge to reveal BEHEADDED JACOB!

"THAT ASSHOLE!" they all said.

Bree began sobbing and started comitting suicide, but then they realized that Jacon's head wa s still alive.

"Fuck this, now he has to go to hospital again!" said Harry. "Madam Pomfry is going to be soooo pissed!"

So they carried the whole fridge with them to the Tardis, and went to Hogwarts. Ron got a cup of brainwash remover, but Madam Pommesfrit told them they could not regrow a body for Jacob unless he became a vampire. Jacob hated vampires, but he was just a talking head so he didn't have much to say.

They fetched Peter, the only vampire Jacob got along with, and he did the deed.

"I guess this means you're out of the band, Jake." said Lupin.

Three days later Jacob emerged as a vampire. He looked about the same as before, except skinny and pale. So actually he looked opposite from before.

Bella watched him from the window while Edward was slitting his wrists with a red permanent marker.

"Hmm, he looks sexy!" she thought.


	28. Brokenhearted Girl

It was a sad day with thunder and lightning. Bella was lying in her bed (she and Edward had separate bedrooms) thinking about Jacob. He was so sexy in his vampire form, but she didn't think she could go back to him. She had just started cheating on Edward with Peter, she couldn't cheat on Peter with Jacob as well. She wasn't a SLIT!

Suddenly there was knocking at the door, and Esme went to open. It was Bree and a little girl.

"Please, you have to help us!" said Bree. "This is my little sister Carlie. My mother sold her to a chemical plant, but she has escaped."

"Come in," said Esme motherly. "Oh poor little thing. There must be something I can do to ease her pain."

"Can you adopt her?" Bree asked. "So that they can't take her back. She was chained to machine for three years. The only reason she managed to break free was because the acid she was working with burned the chain in two when she spilled some. She can't go back there!"

"Of course not!" said Esme, and snatched Carlie up. "I will love her as my own, and protect her and feed her cookies and knit her warm sweaters and read her to sleep!"

"Good!" said Bree. "She's safe here, then. I have to go now, Jacob misses me, if you know what I mean."

Meanwhile, Adam was debriefing the time travellers about the MacGyver fiasco.

"I don't believe this!" he raged. "You nitwits have managed to kill off one of the greatest secret agent men of ALL TIMES."

"But he was going to kill Ron!" said Harry angrily. "And he cut Jacob's head off!"

"He was NOT trying to kill them!" Adam bellowed. "He was working on a new life-support technology that can keep grivously wounded people alive if they lose everything from the neck down. One of the greatest geniuses of our time has ceased to breathe because of you imbeciles. He was my HETRO!"

"We're really sorry," said Mariel, and they muffled homewards.

Edward was coming dragging his feet down the stairs.

"Who's that?" he asked. He couldn't see too well because he'd started wearing glasses he didn't need and they were really strong like minus 25.

"This is your new sister," said Esme. "Don't come too close, she's been a slave and she's scared of people!"

"OK," said Edward. "I'm going down to hang at the art pub with the hipsters. Don't wait up."

So eDward hung with his friends:

* Mike who had dreadlocks, ear gauges, lip gauges, a very large bull-ring through his nose, baggy pants and a frilly shirt. He'd been on vacation in Thailand once, and thought he knew all about the world's poor.

* Tyler, who always looked like he came straight out of The Great Gatsby in a dandy suit he'd spent his student allowance on so he had to be fed by the Salvation Army for the rest of the month. He was prone to cocain, and had greasy, pomaded city-council blonde hair.

* Eric, who had an ironic handle bar mustace, very tight red pants, a t-shirt that said "Control your Germany" because he was racist, a flannel jacket from 1994 and a fedora with a parrot feather that he'd plucked in a pet store.

* Ben, who wore glasses like uncle Carmine on Sopranos. That's who Edward got the idea from. He had a long beard, and his sweater lacked most of the front, so he had 6 scarves around his neck to keep warm. He wore a beany and high-waisted women's shorts.

They sat around in the Art Pub, which was a dank, stark place with grafitti on the naked concrete walls, and it gave an atmosphere of trendy urbanity that was hard to find any other place around Hogwarts. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT. Ben was organizing an event to promote smoking pot because it makes you a better person according to Ben.

Edward tried to blend in with the hipster scene, but it was a little hard because he was emo and couldn't put on their nonchalant airs of superior humanity because he had to keep up his image of low self esteem. And he was a vampire, so the humanity aspect sort of failed.

They all loved to hate PFP, so he hoped they didn't find out he was THAT Edward Cullen. Or that thing about his dick.

At home Esme was spoonfeeding Carlie mashed potatos with gravy and peas when Mariel came to visit with Harry and Dumbledore.

"Have you got a new kid, Esme?" Harry asked politely interested.

"SHE WAS A SLAVE!" Esme ragefaced. "Those bastard parents of hers sold her to a factory! And that was after she'd spent two years down a coal mine! She's only ten, for goodness snake!"

"That's sad!" said Mariel.

"I was the least favourite," said Carlie with a sniffle. "Because my Dad thought I resembled the Mental Health woman who tried to take him to the asylum every week."

"SHE IS VERY TRAUMATIZED!" shouted Esme as she picked Carlie up and ran out of the room."

"Esme is such a good mother!" said Harry. "The kid is gonna be happy here."

Suddenly the doorball rang, and there was a policeman. This was Matt Devlin from the homocide division.

"We have arrested the mad scientist who condicted experiments on humans," said Matt politically. "We believe this is your son."

He handed Carlisle five glass jars which together contained Jazper.

"MYYYYYY BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABYYYYYYY YYYY!?" CRIED CARLISLE.

He poured Jaspre out on the livingroom floor and started piecing him together. Because he was a vampire Dalek, he fit together again immediately.

"Your brother is back!" screamed Carlisle, who ran all over the house and woke the children.

"Now it is enough of this!" said Harry. "I can't take it any more! He's disgusting! I HATE Daleks! Let's go find the Doctor and take us back to when Jasper was human so we can get his DNA for Madam Pommfrit to repair him!"

And off they went on another journey in time and fashion.


	29. Solution

They went away in the Tarids, and landed on the lawn soon before the departure of PFP in the luxury band bus.

"We need some of Jasper's DNA," explained Dumbledore. "In the near future he'll be assimilated by Daleks in his own bed, and we need the means to restory his vampiriety."

"Oh, sure!" said Jasper, and pulled out a few hairs and a chewing gum. "That oughtta do."

Then they flew to Rome, to Hotel Casanova right after Edward's mishap. His balls were still dangling from the faucet, glittering in the sunset light.

"I'll never look at Christmas tree ornaments the same innocent way again!" Harry said, accioing the petrified genitals from the bronze tubing. "Hopefully this will make Edward stop whining!"

Then they left to catch Luciono Malfoe before he could mutate all the animinals in Loch Nessie. He got tied up like a haystack, and carried off to Azkabazar. But it was time to rejoice in rightousness. So they sped off home, and gave Carlisle the samples, and accioed Madam Frenchfries to assist in the rebuilding of specimentationnnnn.

Very soon Jasper was his true form again, and Harry wiped his memory clean before he could extract revenge for having been dumped at Uncle Goober's lab and vivisected. Alice was really, really happy, and dumped Peter because she couldn't date two buoys at the same time. That's illegal.

Edward came home late and drunk from the pub. He had done some meth too, because Ben said it made people be more tolerant and better people. And they thought Edward needed more humanity.

"I have a present for you!" said Harry and gave Edward a box that was wrapped in appropriately sparkly paper.  
"Thaaaaanks," said Edward druggedly, and shambled upstairs. They all heard his happy squeal when he opened it.

Bella and Peter was down in the library, making out on a fake cheetah rug. (REEL fur is MURDER!) They were about to take all their clothes off and make sex naked, when Edward came rushing in.

"Bella!" he shouted. "I'm my own self again!"

"What?" Bella questionmarked.

"I'm soooo sorry I've been avoiding you!" Edward said in his deep, mannily voice. "It was not because I didn't love you anymore. I lost my penis and balls in a bathtub when we were in Rome, and I couldn't tell you about my emasculination! You see, I was afraid you'd go back to Jacob, since he has a very big dick."

"Of course I wouldn't go back to Jacob, after all the shit he's done!" said Bella. She fell around Edward's neck and cried into his strong, muscley chest that brushed against her boobs and sexous body. (It was meant sexily, because he's not her Dad.) Then she dumped Peter, because he could never measure up to her true Edward.

Peter was a little depressed, but then he noticed Mary Alice sitting in the garden swing. Suddenly he realized that she was a beautiful woman. She was also his best friend, and he understood that he had loved her all along. His heart was breaking at the thought of how much he had hurt her with those other girls. Would she be able to ever forgive him?

She forgave him.

There was good news for the Doctor and Ruth as well. Now that the wrongs of the past had been righted, she could remember her past. And as she regained her memory, she turned back into Rose Tyler, who had been in disguise for her protection! So they were lovers reunited.

Esme made a party to celebrate that everything was well, and everyone came and celebrated. Except Alice. She had to babysit Carlie, because she'd be scared of all the people, since many people reminded her of the factory. That was punishement because Alice had been so mean to Jasper. The whole family hated her a little, except Jasper who couldn't remember.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and it was Vaughn and a lady.

"Should we let him in?" asked Mariel. "He's a terrorist."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you," said Professor Snaple, with his mouth full of pie. "He's not a terrorist after all. He was just trying to impress Maya, because she gave up on him when he decided many years ago to become a morally compromized businessman instead of a famous conductor of a philharmonic orchestra. But she saw him in concert, and realized he's a changed man."

Then all the couples got engaged, and there was lots of champain going around.

But then there was another knock on the door, and it was... NIKKI!

"Oh my goodness, we mustn't look at each other!" said Mariel. "You go insane if you see your future self!"

"No worries," said Nikki smiling. "I have been told by the time travellers what happened, so I expected you to be here."

"But aren't you supposed to be on a glorious expedition in time and space?" Mariel asked.

"Yes, kind of," Nikki explained. "But I'm uncoming from the train, so to speak. Now, I'm staying here, where everything is alright again. I've always wanted to be a twin."

"Oh YEAH" shouted Mariel. "ME TOO!"

"Yeah, you're just like ME!" said Nikki. "That's why you're so awesome! I can't wait to be your other half!"

"I can't believe I have an identical twin!" shouted Mariel happily. "What's mom going to say when she comes back?"

"Oh, I called her in the past and asked if it was OK," said Nikki. "She was totally cool with it."

"Awesome!" exclaimed Mariel. "Oh, let's head home and have a girl-talk night. We need to sort out who of us is going to date Dimitri. Uncle Goober is in prison, so the house is safe again."

"I haven't met Dimitri yet," said Nikki. "The past got changed a bit, so I'm with Matt."

"But isn't he kind of old?" Mariel asked.

"Yeah, but he's a tim traveller too," Nikki explained. "So I'm dating his younger version."

Suddenly they all heard crying from the garden.

"That better not be Carlie who's upset!" Esme hissed. "I'll kill Alice if she's been negligent."

The door went up, and in came Renesmee. She had now never been lake monster.

"You forgot me down on the beach!" she sniffled.

"RENESMEEEEEEEE!" cried Bella happily, and gathered her child up in her arms. "I love you SOOO much! Oh, Edward! Now we can adopt her and have a true family when we marry!"

The party carried on through the night, and we're now ready for... PART TWOOOOOOOOOOOO!


End file.
